This is a common sentiment shared in a counselor’s office. Couples frequently seek therapy because they’ve been fighting about the same two or three things over and over again, and they can’t quite figure out how to get off the merry-go-round. They may be able to see the pattern, but they can’t seem to move towards resolving conflict.

“I hate that we’re always fighting. Neither of us wants it to be like this, but once we start arguing I feel so hopeless. Maybe we are two people who just can’t get along…”

One of the most crucial skills that successful couples develop is the ability to reconnect after a fight. Truly repairing disconnection requires more than just a ceasefire- you must be able to communicate understanding to your partner to start resolving conflict. When you can do this effectively, you will transform the argument from a battle you want to flee into a moment of deep connection. But what does this look like in practice?

Here are some steps on how to begin resolving conflict

Step 1: Identify what you were feeling…

Ask yourself what emotions you were feeling during the argument. Often couples will say “Well obviously I was feeling angry!”. Yet this is often a ‘secondary emotion’ or defensive response to protect us from feeling more painful things like fear, sadness, or rejection. If you’re struggling to identify your feelings, take a look at emotion word lists like this one here. Once you’ve identified your emotion(s), share it with your partner and ask what they were feeling.

Step 2: Explain and validate each person’s reality…

While it may be hard to believe, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ perspective on the subject of the argument. You each had emotions, beliefs, and history that colored how you experienced the situation. Take time to explain your feelings, fears, and needs during the interaction. Listen without judgment as your partner does the same, and show them that you understand why they may have felt that way.

Step 3: Share your triggers…

All the things you identified in the last two steps are often ‘triggers’ that cause us to act regrettably. Think back on your personal history about times when you may have felt the same feelings, fears or needs. Often those past experiences amplify our response in the present because we worry the situation is going to play out how it did before. Share this past experience with your partner, and listen actively as your partner shares theirs. This is an opportunity for you to learn about what emotional ‘sore spots’ you can be mindful of in the future.

Step 4: Accept responsibility for your part…

Believe it or not, it takes two to have an argument. Your partner may have truly hurt you, but there is always room for improvement in your own behavior. Think back on what you said or did during the argument to find something you would like to do differently. This is your chance to offer your partner an olive branch.

Step 5: Plan for the future…

Now you need to set yourself up for success. What opportunities do you have to compromise or better meet your partner’s needs? Are there behaviors you need to avoid next time? How can you more gently express a complaint or need to each other? How can we start resolving conflict?

Conclusion

Every marriage will experience conflict, but it’s how the couple reconnects afterward that will keep their relationship strong.  Practice using these five steps to transform a regrettable incident into an opportunity for a deeper understanding of your partner. 

If you’d like to learn more about this blog post and how to use the ‘Aftermath of a Fight’ skill, reach out to the author Sara Graves, Licensed Professional Counselor, at 971-808-2686 x702 or Sara@LifeDCS.com.

For more information on The Aftermath of a Fight and John Gottman, visit the following article, https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight/, or read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver. 

**Advice given in this blog post does not constitute a therapeutic relationship or intervention.**

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon.

When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need via online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

The post Resolving Conflict: The Aftermath of a Fight first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

 This is part 4 of a 5-part series on Boundaries by Megan Coggins.
First Part | Boundary Issues with Family here.
Second Part | Boundary Issues with Friends here.
Third Part | Boundary Issues at Work here.

Final Part | Boundary Issues with Self here next.

Marriage is a beautiful relationship where two people form one unified household. It is when two people work together in one partnership. While this picture of marriage is wonderful, a marriage can also be a place where personal boundaries can become hazy.

One of the most complicated parts of marriage is that you become one with your spouse. You know them better than anyone else. You can tell what they are feeling and thinking without even asking them. This amazing bond between a husband and wife can become complicated. This is because at times one spouse takes on the feeling of the other spouse.  Has your spouse ever come home angry from work? You may have been having a great day before you saw your spouse, but now you find yourself feeling irritable and short-tempered. You have taken on their emotion!

Why there are Boundary Issues in Marriage

Something that I see when working with couples is that it can be very difficult to share your emotions with your spouse. Conversations about emotions become more of an evaluation of the spouse’s behavior. Rather than sharing emotions of how that behavior impacts you.  Couples spend years believing their spouse does not understand them and cannot figure out where this distance is coming from.  By not sharing your emotions with your spouse, you are missing an opportunity for intimacy, an opportunity for them to truly know you. As Cloud and Townsend say in their book Boundaries, “Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to do something.”  Feelings are the prompting needed to help you look towards your spouse for support and vulnerability.

Boundaries in marriage also consist of sharing with each other what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable with. Many couples walk into marriage assuming that their values are the same as their spouse. However, they have never actually discussed with them specifics of their values.  In marriage, it is best to be specific. Vagueness only leads to conflict, misunderstanding, and disconnect. Have you ever discussed with your spouse your values on the following topics?

• Drinking
• Pornography
• Physical boundaries with others
• Emotional distance with others
• How time is spent

Boundaries on these topics may seem obvious to you, but oftentimes couples do not see eye to eye on these topics. Getting on the same page with your spouse builds intimacy!

How to Establish Boundaries

Cloud and Townsend, in their book Boundaries, have come up with some practical steps to integrate healthy boundaries in a marriage. First, take an inventory of the symptom, try to determine where the problem lies. The next step is to identify the specific boundary problem that exists. Such as one spouse feeling that they do not have equal say in decision-making. Third, determine where the problem began. Has it been occurring since the beginning of the relationship or is it recent? Fourth, find a support system whether that is a small group, counselor, or pastor to help support you both on your journey. Next, begin to practice the new boundaries and forgive your spouse for any hurt they may have caused. Finally, become proactive in deciding healthy boundaries and limits in your marriage with your spouse.

Start Christian Marriage Counseling in Hillsboro, OR

Our Oregon counselors in Clackamas and Hillsboro are ready to help you establish healthy boundaries. Through Christian marriage counseling, you can start sharing your emotions with your spouse without crossing boundaries. Get your relationship back to a place of healthy emotions and personal boundaries.

When you are ready to start couples therapy in Oregon follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our Hillsboro therapists and Clackamas counselors
2.  Contact us with questions or Schedule an appointment directly with your preferred therapist
3. Build your support system and establish healthy boundaries in your marriage

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

Couples therapy isn’t the only service offered at Life Discovery Counseling. We offer online therapy for residents in Oregon. If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Our therapists offer services for both adults and children. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need. We are ready to meet you when you are ready to start!

About Megan, the Author

Megan Coggins is a Licensed Professional Counselor and writes about anxiety, trauma, postpartum and pregnancy issues, and relationships. She is a skilled and caring Christian therapist in Oregon. If you are interested in reaching out to Megan for Christian marriage counseling, please call us at 971-808-2686

The post Boundary Issues in Marriage Part 4 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.