This is the 4th and final post in this series on Stress and Distress. The first post introduced the idea that stress occurs when you experience disruption in your relationship with yourself, with God, or with another person. The second post addressed disruptions in your relationship with yourself. The third post focused on disruptions in your relationship with God. This final post tackles disruptions in your relationships with other people.

It’s been a LONG year for relationships

Even for the most introverted among us, relationships are vital for a flourishing life. And right now, you’re likely feeling the cumulative effect of a loss of relationships. After over a year of social distancing, working from home, and avoiding gatherings both large and small, we’re collectively experiencing a grievous relational deficit. We’ve lost the very relational safety net we need to navigate the losses caused by the coronavirus.

We’re made for connection

The Bible, social science, and neuroscience agree: human beings are made for relationships. The Bible begins with the provocative statement, “It is not good for man to be alone…” (Gen 2:18), and ends with a magnificent wedding celebration (Revelation 19:6-10). The central Bible invitation is to become a part of the family of God as dearly loved children through faith in Jesus. And the Bible is filled with kind warnings and instructions regarding how to live in loving, caring, life-giving relationships. 

Stress and Relationships: Belonging is Biological

Unsurprisingly, recent neuroscience research has confirmed that our need for relationships is hardwired into our biology. The second post in this series on stress introduced the limbic part of your brain. This part of your brain includes the nucleus accumbens which serves as the pain and pleasure center. Brain scans reveal how this part of your brain lights up when you feel connected to someone you love. It also registers intense, feel-like-you’re-going-to-die pain when you don’t get the connection you want.

In some ways, this part of your brain is like a relational magnet that first activated the moment you emerged from your mother’s womb. It is the part of your brain associated with your craving for relational attachment. Because attachment is so important, attachment pain is the greatest pain you experience (e.g. death of a loved one, divorce, or other separations from people you love) and attachment joy provides your greatest joys (e.g. your wedding day, the arrival of a baby, reunion with long-lost friends, the reconciliation of an important relationship). 

Longing for belonging can result in increased stress and distress

With the potential for both great joy and great pain in relationships with others, it makes sense that you experience emotional distress in relationships. Your brain is wired to “read” the people around you for threats of pain and opportunities for joy. When your brain senses the threat of pain, it ignites your body’s autonomic nervous system to respond and you experience stress. Prolonged threats and an overstimulated bodily threat response system lead to emotional distress. This happens automatically and often without your conscious awareness. And such relational distress can quite literally travel through a group of people in milliseconds.

How to Feel More Connected

So what to do? Well, first apply what you learned in the previous posts to strengthen your relationship with yourself and your relational dependence on God. Self-awareness and God-awareness are fundamental building blocks for being able to live in relationships with others.

Second, begin practicing openness with some safe people in your life. Here are a few ideas for doing that:

Communicate gratitude.

Intentionally noticing good in others and sharing your gratitude with them “lights up” the relational pleasure center of your brain and releases the all-important hormone dopamine into your system.

Give and receive feedback.

Regularly practice sharing what is helpful in your relationship with a person and what is not helpful. Keep in mind, the ratio is important! Positive feedback is needed at a higher ratio than negative feedback. Provide at least 2 compliments for every complaint (some research even points to a 5-to-1 ratio). The 2-to-1 ratio can be easily accomplished with a feedback “sandwich:” complement-complaint-complement. 

Share “withholds.”

This is similar to the previous idea, but the focus is on how much you often don’t say in a relationship. At the end of a day (or every few days), take time to think through what you “edited out” of your communication with a person and then purposely tell them. The ratio and sandwich principles in #2 also apply here.

Listen for emotions rather than problems.

Then validate the emotions. When your threat response system is activated, people become problems to solve rather than persons to love. Listening, reflecting, and empathizing with another’s emotions greatly increases your attachment bond with them.

Learn More About Stress & Distress From a Christian Therapist

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 4-part series on stress and distress from a biblical standpoint:

1. Why Am I So Stressed
2. The Internal Dynamics of Stress
3. Distress & Worship
4. Distress & Belonging

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Distress and Belonging (Stress and Distress): Part 4 of 4 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the 3rd post in a 4-part series on Stress and Distress. The first post introduced the idea that stress occurs when you experience disruption in your relationship with yourself, with God, or with another person. The second post addressed disruptions in your relationship with yourself. This post focuses on disruptions in your relationship with God.

Crying Out to God: Stress and Distress

Distressing experiences often provoke us to cry out to God. Sometimes the cry is one of desperation, “God where are you?” Other times it comes in the form of a curse: actually cursing God, angrily denying the existence of God, or invoking a curse in the name of God like “God Dammit!” Sometimes it’s a simple cry for help. We cry out to God because distressing experiences confront our inability to manage or control our circumstances. 

This makes sense in the Christian worldview. We are created as dependent beings, designed to depend on our Creator God. Dependence on God is the foundation for worshipping God. You may think of worship as merely a genre of music or something you do when you sing in church. But worship is so much more than that. All life is worship! We worship as we breathe. At any given moment, the question isn’t IF you’re worshiping, but what or whom you are worshipping. God through the Bible invites us to repent, to turn from whatever you are worshiping in a moment, and return to worshiping God. If you want to know what you’re worshiping instead of God, read on.

Consider these questions when you feel distressed:

…what or who do you turn to first for hope and help?

…what or who do you think is necessary for “the good life.”

…what or who can you not live without?

This happens in small ways every day. You make plans with someone and they bail on you. How do you respond? You have a deadline to meet at work, but your co-worker hasn’t delivered you what you need to get the job done. What do you do? You’re late for work and your kids are slow getting their things together to leave for school. How do you handle it? Your distress is real AND it says something about what you worship. This is even more noticeable during big life changes and transitions – the loss of a job, the breakup of a marriage, the death of someone important. 

Distress and Shame

At least some of your distress in such situations results from shame before God. You question how God could ever welcome such a failure. You avoid God because you cannot fathom God receiving you as you are. You do this even though God’s response to those who come to him in distress is clear and consistent in the Bible. Over and over you see God respond with gentleness and kindness to those who are distressed. One of God’s most repeated promises is: “You need not fear, for I am with you.” 

Stress and Distress: Release

When you’re experiencing emotional distress, God invites you to release the person, the experience, the desire, or the expectation that you’re clinging to. So much of your distress comes from demanding that someone or something come through for you in a way only God can. “I have to have that job.” “I cannot lose this relationship.” “That dream must come true.” Life is full of pain and loss and grief. Your impulse to avoid loss and grief is a huge contributor to your distress. 

Turning to Jesus in Times of Stress

Jesus gives us glimpses into God’s invitation to come to him in times of distress. For example, notice what happened when Jesus encountered a woman caught in sexual sin (John 8:1-11). Instead of confronting her or shaming her about her sin, he confronted her accusers and invited them to deal with themselves before God. Jesus then extended grace to the woman both by welcoming her and by encouraging her to turn from her sin. 

God is Here, a Christian Counselor Can Help

God’s message to those who turn to him in distress is clear: “I hear you. I see you. I feel you. I love you. You are welcome here with me. Nothing required. Nothing condemned. Grace upon grace. Release this (person, experience, desire, expectation) to me and trust me. I will provide for you.”

This understanding of the power of “God with you” is what a Christian counselor seeks to emulate and model to all who come with their distress looking for hope and help.

Learn More About Stress & Distress

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 4-part series on stress and distress:

1. Why Am I So Stressed
2. The Internal Dynamics of Stress
3. Distress & Worship
4. Distress & Belonging

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Distress and Worship (Stress and Distress): Part 3 of 4 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the 2nd post in a 4-part series on Stress and Distress. The first post about distress introduced the idea that stress occurs when you experience disruption in your relationship with yourself, with God, or with another person. This post addresses distress in your relationship with yourself. The concept of a relationship with self may seem unusual to you. If that’s the case, I hope you’ll understand it and appreciate its importance by the end of this post!

How Do Stress and Distress Show Up in Life?

Remember how you felt during crucial moments in your life? Moments like an important job interview, a first date, or that presentation you gave in front of your boss, your boss’s boss, and your boss’s boss’s boss?! Your heartbeat quickened, your hands felt clammy, your legs started trembling, and you found it hard to breathe, right? Something similar happens – though more suddenly – when something surprises you. Like encountering a snake on your favorite running trail or hearing a sudden loud noise behind you. Fascinatingly, you don’t even have to experience an actual event to have this bodily reaction. Merely anticipating or imagining an event can provoke the same reactions! Sometimes we even purposefully provoke this body response when we ride roller coasters, watch horror movies, and take part in similar activities. This bodily experience is called stress. 

Stress is Necessary

Stress is a wonderful and natural part of your biology that prepares you to respond to a threat to your well-being. You experience stress when you face something beyond your capability or understanding. Physiologically speaking, stress involves the limbic part of your brain and the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) in your body. You feel stress when your limbic brain senses a threat and ignites the SNS. The SNS releases hormones – primarily cortisol and adrenaline – to stimulate your body to respond to the threat. This is commonly referred to as the “fight, flight, or freeze” body response. Thankfully, your body has another system connected to your limbic brain, the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The PNS helps your body “rest and digest.” The PNS counteracts stress and helps your body recover from it. When either system is activated, your body does what your body was designed to do!

Distress is Harmful

Of course, not all experiences of stress are wonderful and helpful. Prolonged periods of stress overtax your SNS and put your body in distress. Too much of a good thing becomes destructive! Troublingly, we live in a culture that values and rewards overusing the SNS. And when our SNS can’t produce enough stimulus, we have products like caffeine and amphetamines readily available to hyper-stimulate our nervous system. In addition, unresolved traumatic experiences “program” the SNS to respond to ordinary stressful situations in an outsized manner. We live in distressing times.

How to Biblically Navigate Stress and Distress

As human beings, we face a dilemma. Our internal capacity to think and yearn and create are immense and diverse. Yet, we remain finite beings in an infinite space. We are designed by God as dependent creatures with a great deal of independence. The writer of Ecclesiastes in the Bible captured the dilemma this way: 

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NLT)

When you operate outside the bounds of God’s design, you create a disconnect in your relationship with your own body. This may work for a while (for some people a long while). But eventually, your body will let you know of the disconnect through physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual distress. 

Stress Counseling and Mindfulness

If you are experiencing distress right now, you can move toward health first by expressing gratitude for your body. You are wonderfully made! (Psalm 139:14) Secondly, give attention to what is provoking your distress. Notice any aspect of your life where you feel stuck or overwhelmed. Maybe it’s money problems, an unhappy marriage, or trouble at work. Third, begin training yourself to calm your body by engaging your PNS. Regularly practicing mindfulness and meditation can help you accomplish this.

Anxiety Treatment Can Help

If you find yourself in a place of chronic distress, help is available! A Christian counselor can help you find healing in each of the four dimensions of distress. If past hurts and traumatic experiences are provoking the distress, EMDR can be an effective PTSD treatment modality.

Learn More About Stress & Distress

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 4-part series on lament:

1. Why Am I So Stressed?
2. The Internal Dynamics of Stress
3. Distress & Worship
4. Distress & Belonging

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Stress counseling and anxiety treatment can help you thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Internal Dynamics of Stress (Stress and Distress): Part 2 of 4 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

“I’m stressed out!”

A friend recently said this shortly after we sat down over a cup of coffee. His exclamation is a major theme in our culture right now. Distress. We face pandemics, racial tensions, political divisions on a national and even global scale. On a personal level, many of us face job uncertainty, relational tension, family instability, and the loss of needed social support from family, friends, church, and other social circles. Not to mention incessant clamoring from a 24/7 cycle of (generally bad) news and social media feeds demanding our attention. Add in pervasive advertising using advanced neuroscience to bypass our conscious defenses to manipulate our attention and behavior…no wonder we’re stressed out!

What Causes Stress and Distress?

In this 4-part series, I want to help you know more about what causes stress and distress. I also want to help you find rest in a stressful world. My basic premise is that you as a human being were designed for relationships in three dimensions – with yourself, with God, and with other people. You experience emotional distress when your relationships are disrupted in one or more of these dimensions. Conversely, you can experience rest, peace, and security by reconnecting relationally in each of these dimensions.

Distress: Rooted in Relationships

Maybe you are surprised that I link distress exclusively to relationships. At first glance, you may see your stress as caused by something like work pressure, money pressure, or other life demands. But think about it: why do you work so hard? What are the reasons you need more money? What happens when you think of working less or having less money? When you pay attention to the fears and compulsions that drive your distress I believe you’ll see they are ultimately relational in nature.

What does the Bible tell us about relationships?

For those who are Christians and look at life through the lens of the Bible, this 3-fold understanding of relationships is found in Jesus’ answer to what’s most important in life:

“Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40 (NLT).

According to Jesus, our relational engagement with God is fundamental to what it means to be human. When you have peace with God, you have peace with yourself. When you are at peace with yourself, you can experience peace with others. 

An exercise in connecting distress and relationships…

Here’s an exercise that will help you see this connection between distress and relationships in your life. Pause and relax for a moment. Maybe close your eyes and take a couple of slow, deep breaths. Picture yourself in a normal setting where you sometimes experience distress (work, home, social engagement, etc.). Now, imagine you feel 100% confident in yourself and your abilities in that situation. You have absolutely no doubt, confusion, or uncertainty. While holding onto that confidence, imagine a few trusted friends are with you in that situation. You feel 100% comfortable and secure in your relationship with them. No blame, fear, competing for attention, or concern for status. Lastly, imagine you feel 100% certain in the existence and presence of a good God who knows you and loves you. He has your every need covered and his love for you is lavish. After a few moments of imagining this, how much stress do you feel? 

Did that cause you distress?

Did you have trouble completing the exercise? Maybe you had trouble imagining yourself at peace in one or more relational directions. That’s okay. The unwelcome thoughts and emotions that arise while attempting the exercise point to the relational disruptions that currently provoke distress in your life. That knowledge can be helpful in knowing where to start as you seek to “turn the volume down” on your distress.

Learn More About Stress & Distress

In this post, I merely wish to provoke your thinking and invite you to see your experience of distress through a relational lens. In the subsequent posts, I will focus on steps you can take to begin finding peace in each relational dimension. You can also learn more in the following posts in our 4-part series on stress and distress:

1. Why Am I So Stressed?
2. The Internal Dynamics of Stress
3. Distress & Worship
4. Distress & Belonging

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. Stress counseling and anxiety treatment can help. Our therapists are here to help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Why Am I So Stressed? (Stress & Distress): Part 1 of 4 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

It’s not all in your head

Pain. Just seeing the word may cause you to shudder. Maybe you’re in pain right now and that’s why you’re reading this blog post. The kind of pain you’re feeling has a physical dimension but it hasn’t resulted from a physical injury. No, the pain you’re feeling is emotional and/or relational pain. Though it’s no less tragic and debilitating than physical illness or injury, it can be harder to understand and resolve. This kind of pain involves heartache, disappointment, and disillusionment caused by relational and emotional wounds.

Give it a purpose

Regardless of how you’ve been emotionally or relationally hurt, you face the question of what to do with your pain? Ignore it? Grin and bear it? Just get over it? Soothe it? Complain about it? Find a lesson to learn from it? Blithely hope it will work out for good?

As unpleasant as it is, pain serves an important purpose: it draws attention. When you touch a hot stove, intense pain very quickly draws your attention to the situation and causes you to pull your hand away to avoid permanent damage. In that way, pain is good, not pleasant but good. Emotional and relational pain serves a similar purpose. They let you know that something important to you has been violated and is in need of your attention.

Unfortunately, too often we waste our emotional and relational pain. We fail to respond in a healthy way to the wounds that life inflicts on our souls. Pain doesn’t have to damage us and rob us of happiness. Instead, when we know how to address our pain, it can lead us toward a better life. 

So, how do you do that?

Using pain well

Well, it may sound too simple but it starts by making room for the pain! Allow pain to be an important part of your life. You don’t have to like pain for it to be important and even good. Making room for pain means allowing your body to respond as God made it to respond – with tears, sadness, regret, fear, anger, etc. Making room for these means saying to yourself, “This is an important part of being human. I can feel this.”

Secondly, responding well to pain involves diffusing or disempowering any unhelpful automatic thoughts that come to mind with the pain. This involves the skill of mindfulness or non-judgmental awareness. Many thoughts that course through our brains when we’re in pain are unhelpful interpretations or instructions we’ve picked up along the way in life, like…

“Buck up, you wimp.”

“Only weak people give in to pain.”

“You don’t deserve this.”

“You’re going to die!”

The practice of mindfulness brings a gentle, compassionate curiosity to your pain and explores its origins by asking Who, What, Where, When, and How questions (Why questions tend not to be as helpful):

“What was happening in my life when I felt the pain?”

“Who contributed to the painful situation?”

“When did it happen? When has it happened before?”

“Where in my body did I feel the pain?”

“How did the pain begin?”

More to the story

Sometimes distressing emotional and relational pain reaches deep into your backstory. Your body may be reminding you of the previous trauma you experienced. Or, perhaps relational survival habits you learned early in life are no longer adequate for your current life situation. When the pain you experience or the intensity of your response to the pain seems to go beyond the actual situation, your backstory may need exploration and resolution. You don’t have to be captive to past hurts.

Lastly, getting the most out of your pain involves clarifying your personal values. What’s your life on earth all about? What or who is most important to you? What’s worth living – or even dying – for? Pain has a way of clarifying your priorities! If you let it, pain can help you orient your life toward what matters most to you.

If you’re reading this because you are in pain, please know there is a way forward. Hope is available. 

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. Your life can feel less heavy. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Emotional and Relational Pain first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the fifth and final in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. The second post addressed the purpose of lament. The third post made the important connection between emotions and lament. The fourth post provided the process of lament.

You may be familiar with the song “The Waiting” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I know I am aging myself with the reference. But it is a song that remains culturally embedded because it’s so singable and relatable, the chorus in particular:

“The waiting is the hardest part

Everyday you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part”

“The Waiting” by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

I don’t know of anyone who would say, “Ooh, I love waiting.” Yet waiting is a primary catalyst for change! And waiting doesn’t mean a lethargic or passive approach to life either. Far from it. Waiting involves doing what is in your power to do and trusting the results to God. Of course, this may sound nice on paper but it’s quite different to live out, especially when life hurts. 

The Psalms teach you to lament, to give voice to your struggle as you trust and wait for God. In a hurry-up, get-it-done culture, this goes “against the tide.” It can be incredibly difficult to trust and wait when the culture around you offers option after option for easing your pain and increasing your comfort. Waiting for God seems absurd when a cacophony of voices both within and without screaming, “MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN!”

Here’s the rub: when you try to escape and find an easier more comfortable path, you lose.

Hope is the key to waiting patiently. At a most basic level, hope is the anticipation of something good. Think about it: if you know for certain something good will happen, you’re more likely to wait patiently, right? For as long as it takes. For example, when your favorite band is coming to town, or your favorite sports team is in the championship game, you’re willing to wait for a ticket to see them play. You’ll even camp out overnight. 

One particular psalm, Psalm 130, provides a compelling picture of patiently waiting in hope. “The psalmist connects waiting and hoping for God with the imagery of a sentry standing attentively in the utter darkness of night ready for potential enemy attacks. The sentry is diligently doing his job, but he’s also yearning and waiting for the hope of dawn.”

So you may be wondering: how do you wait in hope when it seems like everything inside you and around you is clamoring for you to make something happen? Well, that’s one of life’s great challenges! It’s a primary reason people like you seek counseling. A good counselor creates a safe haven and a secure base as discussed in the second post in this series. They also teach behavioral skills that help you defuse unhelpful thoughts, accept unwanted emotions, and gain clarity around your life goals and values. Each of these skills will help you wait patiently in hope. 

Here’s why this is so important: your capacity to wait in hope is directly connected to your experience of JOY when God brings change. Real joy. Not the cheap and temporary happiness that comes by escaping pain and trouble through cheap thrills. But rather a joy felt deep in your bones because it is a joy rooted in a rescue you could not arrange on your own. Please understand, this kind of joy does not originate from better a circumstance (though circumstances may indeed change for the better). Joy comes from an awareness of God’s grace, mercy, and goodness.

Ready to give it a try?

Here’s good news: opportunities to practice waiting are readily available all around you! You can train yourself by choosing them: choose the slower lane of traffic, the slower check-out line at the store, the lane with the most cars at the stoplight, and so on. Actively choose and then notice the thoughts and feelings that bubble up inside you. Talk to God about those thoughts and feelings (you know, lament!). Declare your trust in God and your willingness to wait in hope for his provision. Getting better at waiting for small things will help you wait for the big things in life.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament (here)

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your life and relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Hope and Waiting in Lament: Part 5 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the fourth in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. The second post addressed the purpose of lament. The third post made the important connection between emotions and lament. This post provides the process of lament.

What Provokes Emotion?

As I’m sure you’re aware, emotions can be provoked by pretty much anything in everyday life. Maybe you can relate to these examples:

• A friend makes a critical comment and you feel hurt or angry or anxious.
• Your spouse gives you a compliment and you feel happy.
• A co-worker receives an award and you feel jealous.
• You get laid off from your job and you feel sad and scared.

Of course, the same life events could provoke entirely different emotions in you than they do in others. This isn’t about “right” emotions or “wrong” emotions. Emotions simply are. I’m not saying you have to like feeling them. I’m inviting you to value them and make room for them, especially the uncomfortable ones like anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, shame, despair, and disgust. 

What Our Emotions Reveal

But feeling these feelings is hard, isn’t it? They give you a sense of feeling out of control and going in a direction you don’t want to go. Part of you says something is wrong with you when you feel these feelings. Am I right?

So you may wonder, “What good can come from feeling these emotions?” Well, for starters, they let you know what you really believe about your circumstances – not what you say you believe, but your actual lived-out belief. And when you’re honest with yourself (and others) about your lived-out belief, you are in a position to examine what’s most important to you. Then you can act on your chosen values rather than merely reacting to what’s going on around you. In other words, you become empowered.

So what do these uncomfortable emotions reveal? Here’s a basic starting point for understanding¹:

• Anger reveals injustice. Something’s not “right” (and how you determine what’s right).
• Sadness reveals loss. Something important to you has been or could be lost.
• Jealousy reveals longing. You desire more from life than you currently have.
• Shame reveals identity. You rely upon something to determine your value.
• Despair reveals goals. You want to accomplish something that feels impossible.
• Disgust reveals beauty. An ideal that delights you has been marred or tainted.

As you can hopefully see, these emotions can help you discover more about who you are, what you value, and who you want to become. Talking them through with trusted others (like your counselor) is important. Talking to God about them – lamenting – is also crucial. 

How to Talk About Difficult Emotions With God

So what does lament involve? Well, the basic structure of lament psalms can help “mentor” you through the process of lament when something in your life doesn’t make sense and provokes one of these emotions. These psalms address disorienting experiences relationally with God. As I touched on in the first blog post in this series, lament psalms follow a basic form:

• Plea
  • Addressed to God
  • Offers a complaint
  • Asks for help
• Praise
  • Expresses faith in being heard
  • Rehearses what’s true of God (even though it may not feel true)

The psalms communicate an open posture toward God and a confidence that He is near. By writing and reading both the biblical psalms and your own, you invite God to examine you and teach you through his Spirit. Many of the lament psalms take something that God says is true and wrestle with it. “God, you say you are near, but I don’t feel it. Where are you?” When this is understood through the lens of attachment, the very process of struggle strengthens the relationship bond. God’s invitation through the psalms is to find rest in His character and provision. The picture Jesus paints in Matthew 11:28-30 illustrates God’s receptive heart when we come to Him with our troubles.

¹To learn more about what emotions reveal, I recommend the book Why Emotions Matter by Tristen and Jonathan Collins

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament (here)
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Process of Lament: Part 4 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the third in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. The second post addressed the purpose of lament. This post makes the important connection between emotions and lament. 

Your Emotional Type

If you’re like many people, you have a love/hate relationship with emotions. On the one hand, emotions let you know you’re alive and really living. On the other hand, emotions provoke pain and confusion. Depending on which side of the equation you fall, you approach emotions from a different perspective. 

Maybe you’re the type of person who mistrusts emotion. You see being emotional as a sign of weakness and instead value the ability to stay calm and level-headed. You may even have trouble identifying your emotions. Sure you might feel “off” sometimes – extra tired, easily annoyed, restless – but you don’t connect these experiences to emotions (hint: they are connected).

Or maybe you’re the type of person for whom emotions are pretty much everything. You experience emotions vividly and they drive your words and actions. You trust your emotions (and their intensity) to tell you the truth about what’s really going on in a situation and how you should respond (hint: they often don’t).

Handling of Emotion

No matter which end of the spectrum you find yourself (likely somewhere in between) eventually your emotions will confound you. Your struggle with emotions is likely found in the difficulty of controlling them and making them do what you want them to. But you’ve found that trying to control emotions is like trying to capture air in your hands. Maybe you’ve decided it’s easier not to feel at all, only to discover that you’ve lost the motivation to engage in the world around you.

Perhaps you try to control your emotions so that you only feel the “good” ones, like happiness, peace, contentment, and satisfaction. Along the same lines, you try hard not to feel the “bad” ones like anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, shame, despair, and disgust. You may not realize that suppressing one kind of emotion suppresses all emotion. Controlling, avoiding, denying, and suppressing emotions are ultimately failed strategies that lead to all kinds of mental and physical illness. And the path to health often involves coming to terms with the emotions we are feeling and their mental and physical origins.

Counselors understand that emotions are an important part of what it means to be human…all emotions. Rather than trying to control emotions, a counselor will help you listen to them. When you do, emotions will tell you what’s important to you in a given situation.

Emotions and God

The Christian counselor also understands that emotions have a vertical dimension. They tell you what you are doing with God in a situation. Because counselors understand this, they can help you give your emotions honest consideration and exploration.

As you do this together, you learn that emotions are not only the bridge between your body and soul, they are the bridge between souls. In other words, emotions can help you not only understand yourself, but to share your true self with others.

But let’s face it, all emotions may be created equally but some are more difficult than others. The darker emotions – anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, shame, despair, and disgust – are difficult to experience and to express to others. And we don’t have many examples of what it looks like to do so in a healthy manner. Learning to lament to God with these emotions can help you come to terms with them. Feeling accepted and  “felt” by God can, in turn, give you the courage to bring your true self to others in your life so you can experience authentic relationships.

Sharing Emotions With God

The psalms of lament cover a wide range of emotional expression. But if you’re like many Christians, you learned to read them non-emotionally (as if that is somehow more reverent). The psalms are poetry and, as such, are fueled by emotion. They have their intended effect when you bring your emotions to them and together with them reveal your true self to God.

You can do this in one of two ways: (1) when you feel a particular emotion, find a psalm that matches that emotion, or (2) allow yourself to feel the feeling of the particular psalm you happen to be reading. 

Ready to give it a try?

I invite you to enter into the imaginative space with God you learned in post #2. When you get to the part about sharing your lament, read the excerpts below while imagining yourself feeling the emotion fully in God’s presence. Then complete the exercise. Do this separately for each emotion.

Anger –

Psalm 35 “O Lord, stand against those who stand against me. Fight those who fight me. ² Take hold of a safe-covering and rise up to help me. ³ Take a spear and battle-ax against those who come to get me.”

Despair –

Psalm 142 “Look to the right and see. For there is no one who thinks about me. There is no place for me to go to be safe. No one cares about my soul.”

Jealousy –

Psalm 73 “For sure God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. ² But as for me, my feet came close to falling. My steps had almost tripped. ³ For I was jealous of the proud when I saw that all was going well with the sinful.”

Exhaustion –

Psalm 61 “Hear my cry, O God. Listen to my prayer. ² I call to You from the end of the earth when my heart is weak.”

Fear –

Psalm 55 My heart is in pain within me. The fears of death have come upon me. ⁵ I have begun shaking with fear. Fear has power over me. ⁶ And I say, “If only I had wings like a dove, I would fly away and be at rest. ⁷ Yes, I would go far away. I would live in the desert. ⁸ I would hurry to my safe place, away from the wild wind and storm.”

Sorrow –

Psalm 6 I am tired of crying inside myself. All night long my pillow is wet with tears. I flood my bed with them. ⁷ My eye has grown weak with sorrow.

Shame –

Psalm 90 For we are burned up by Your anger. By Your anger we are troubled and afraid. ⁸ You have set our wrong-doing before You, our secret sins in the light of Your face. ⁹ For all our days pass away in Your anger. We finish our years with a quiet cry.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament (here)
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your life can fully thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to God and the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Emotions and Lament: Part 3 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the second in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. This post introduces the purpose of lament. 

Responding to Lament

When you’re having a bad moment, a bad day, or in the case of 2020, a bad year, how do you respond? Likely, one basic reaction is to look for someone with whom you can safely share your distress. You want someone to be with you, to “get” you, and maybe even rescue you from the pain, right? For many, this most basic reaction is also directed toward God.

Sadly, a second reaction often follows on the heels of the first reaction: recoiling in fear. What will the person (or God) think of me? Will they reject me?

As a human being, you deeply need connection with others. This craving for connection is designed into you and begins the moment you take your first breath. Initially, your parents were likely the ones who met this need.

If you grew up in a stable, loving home, over time your parents became a safe haven and a secure base for you to explore your world, other people in your world, and the God who created the world. Maybe, for some reason, you did not adequately experience the safe haven and secure base you needed. As we all know, even the best parents are far from perfect, and some are sadly even harmful. 

Created for Connection

Attachment is a word counselors use for this necessary relational connection. As Megan Coggins wonderfully introduced in a series of blog posts, attachment researchers have identified 4 different kinds of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Research has thankfully shown that an attachment style is not permanent. With help, anyone can experience a “learned secure attachment” with others and with God. Counseling provides an important means to learn secure attachment. 

You see, the counseling process creates a temporary relational attachment bond through which you can work out your attachment needs. The counselor provides a safe haven and a secure base necessary for a secure attachment.

Connection and Lament

In addition, a Christian counselor would also facilitate your attachment relationship with God, the most important ingredient for your happiness and satisfaction in life. One way to understand this attachment bond is through the lens of emotions and the concept of “feeling felt” by another person. Someone not only listens to you, but they are in tune with you and feel what you’re feeling. Such encounters actually rewire your brain and create new neurological pathways for more healthy living.

This idea of feeling felt may sound attractive when the emotions are the ones you prefer, like happiness, contentment, and comfort. However, attachment is most strengthened when you connect with another person and experience their acceptance while feeling distressing emotions. This is especially true when it comes to God. This is the purpose of lament: to feel felt by God while experiencing distressing emotions.

If you’re like many people, you engage God (or the idea of God) in a rational, thinking manner.

You possess information about God rather than experiencing a relationship with God. When you read or hear a Bible verse like Isaiah 30:18: “Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion,” you may think of it as true even as you suspect (and feel) that God is disappointed in you.

Your emotional and relational perspective of God is shaped by your relationship with your parents. Subsequently, an important part of maturing spiritually, relationally, and emotionally comes from interacting with God as the perfect parent (Hebrews 12:5-9). He is your perfect safe haven and secure base (Psalm 91). You can go to him with confidence, even with your pain, struggle, and confusion (Hebrews 4:14-16).

A Practical Exercise

In the first post in this series, I invited you to write a lament using Psalm 13 as a guide. You can build on that exercise by adding an imaginative element to it¹: 

Find a quiet place where you will not be distracted or interrupted. Allow yourself to be in a comfortable posture, with your eyes closed. Take a deep breath and begin to imagine yourself in a physical environment that is peaceful and calm. Next, allow yourself to sense God’s presence. There is no right or wrong way for him to appear or be revealed. You may even perceive his physicality to the point of being in bodily form. Imagine him welcoming you as your perfect parent. He embodies everything good your parents did for you and more. He embodies everything good you wish your parents would have done and more. Now, imagine sharing your lament with him. Imagine him receiving it with compassion and comforting you with his concern. Hear him assure you that he will provide for your needs. 

¹ This exercise is adapted from the book Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson M.D.

Next, imagine hearing God clearly say to you directly, by name, “You are my child. I love you. I am so pleased with you.” Sense, if you can, God looking you directly in the eyes as he says these words. Do not turn away from his gaze. Do not resist his voice. Allow yourself to be in his presence. Do not leave this place in your mind quickly. What do you feel? What do you feel God feeling as he looks with tenderness and strength into the windows of your soul?

¹ This exercise is adapted from the book Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson M.D.

Remember that people have different reactions to this exercise. There is in fact no right response, only a true one. I invite you to practice this meditation—it may take only a few minutes—each day for six weeks. If you do, remember that you are not simply engaging with some abstract dimension of your mind; you are in fact, changing the neural networks of your brain. Practically, this exercise may lead you to a deep awareness of being known and cared for by your Heavenly Father. Initially, this may take place only during the meditation. Eventually, however, you will find that you can quickly access the positive images, feelings, sensations, and words you hear during moments of discomfort in everyday life, altering your response to an anxiety-provoking event.

¹ This exercise is adapted from the book Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson M.D.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament (Here)
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY WITH A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR IN HILLSBORO, OR

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Purpose of Lament: Part 2 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

If you’re like most people, you consider seeing a counselor when something isn’t working in life. The problem you face may be internal, like depression or anxiety. Or it could be external, like a difficult relationship or an overwhelming life circumstance. The problem persists even though you’ve tried everything you know to fix the problem. Doubt and disappointment begin to cloud your horizon as you look at the future.

A Good Christian Counselor

A good Christian counselor will meet you right where you are with acceptance, empathy, and understanding. A counseling relationship can provide a sense of hope which leads to more flexible thinking about the past, present, and future.

Rather than solving your problems, the counselor provides a safe relational environment and a healing presence. With their help, you learn you can “bear the unbearable” as they bear it with you.

A Christian Counselor

A Christian counselor understands that God’s Spirit is the primary Helper and Healer in the counseling room. As such, the counselor invites you to relate in two directions: “horizontally” with the counselor and “vertically” with God.

This is particularly important with your expression of emotions. As I will explore in the 3rd part of this series, emotions are like the lights on the dashboard of your car letting you know that something is going on in the “engine” of your soul. Though emotions are often provoked by horizontal relationships and life experiences, ultimately they reveal what you believe about God.

The Bible makes it clear that God wants a relationship with you. His promise repeated over and over is, “I am with you.” But let’s be honest, it’s a promise that’s hard to believe when life hurts.

Lament Has Purpose

Maybe you struggle with experiencing and expressing emotion. If so, you’re not alone. Most people do. This is especially true with the “darker” emotions like fear, anger, grief, despair, jealousy, and loneliness. These emotions tend to dominate when life gets overwhelming. Christian counseling provides a place to explore these difficult emotions in a safe horizontal relationship.

A Christian counselor will also encourage you to express those emotions to God. When you do so, you participate in what are called prayers of lament or complaint. Laments are found all through the Bible, including from the lips of Jesus. The Psalms in particular give us many voices of lament.

The process of lament is crucial for the same reason emotional expression and validation are vital in horizontal relationships: it is the deep longing of every human to be known and accepted. When you share your difficult emotions and experiences with another, including God, you open yourself to receiving consolation. When you keep them to yourself, your suffering increases because you were not meant to bear your burdens alone.

Biblical Understanding of Lament

If you want to understand lament, Psalm 13 serves as a “primer.” The first 2 verses express an honest expression of emotion resulting from painful circumstances. The second 2 verses beg God to respond. The last 2 verses pledge trust in God no matter the circumstance.

Each of these sections is an important aspect of lament, and participating in lament requires more than a  “one and done” effort. Rather, it involves an ongoing process that keeps your heart open in relationship with God through unpleasant experiences. In other words, it helps solidify a relational attachment bond with God that is vital for any life-giving relationship.

Perhaps you are reading this because you are in the middle of a difficult life situation. Perhaps you are wondering, “Where is God when life hurts so much?” An important step might be to write out a lament that expresses your pain and confusion to God using Psalm 13 as a guide and template.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament (Here)
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Importance of Lament: Part 1 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.