At Life Discovery Counseling Services in Clackamas and Beaverton, Oregon, our Christian counselors walk with people who feel deeply and often carry a lot for others. Many are exhausted not because they don’t care, but because they care so much. Learning how compassion differs from empathy can help you love well without losing yourself.​

Empathy vs. Compassion: Building on What You Already Feel

If you read our previous article on empathy, you may remember that empathy is about emotionally tuning in to what someone is feeling. Compassion builds on that but adds something crucial: grounded action and wise pacing. Let’s start with simple definitions.

• Empathy is feeling with someone. You emotionally tune in and sense, in your own body, what they might be feeling.
• Compassion is feeling for someone. You recognize their pain, care deeply, and want good for them, while staying grounded and able to help.

You need both, but they don’t play the same role.

Neuroscience suggests empathy activates brain regions tied to distress and pain—essentially, your nervous system can respond to another person’s suffering as if it were your own. Compassion, on the other hand, also involves systems tied to reward, care, and motivation to help, which can feel steadier and more sustainable over time.

From a Christian perspective, compassion reflects the heart of Christ: deeply moved by people’s suffering, yet steady, wise, and rooted in the Father’s love.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:32

Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion: Not All the Same

It can help to distinguish three related ideas:

• Sympathy: “I see you’re hurting, and I’m sorry.” This can be caring, but it often stays on the surface.
• Empathy: “I feel what you’re feeling.” This solves the “alone problem” and brings powerful connection.
• Compassion: “I feel for you and want to walk with you toward healing.” This adds intention to help and the wisdom to consider timing and next steps.

Sympathy might send a card. Empathy might sit and cry with you. Compassion might sit, cry, and also gently help you stand up when you’re ready.

When Empathy Alone Becomes Heavy

As we talked about earlier, empathy is a beautiful gift. It allows you to enter someone’s emotional world and helps them feel seen and understood. But empathy, on its own, can also become heavy.

You may notice:

• You feel overwhelmed after listening to others.
• You carry their stories and emotions home with you.
• You feel foggy, numb, or overstimulated.
• You feel like you should fix things and feel guilty when you can’t.

Research on helpers and caregivers shows that constant exposure to others’ pain—especially when you absorb it as your own—can contribute to compassion fatigue and burnout. Over time, your system can begin to shut down as a way to protect you, leaving you feeling flat, detached, or resentful, even when you still care.

This is often where Christian helpers and “feelers” get stuck. You want to love like Jesus, but you end up exhausted and discouraged, wondering what’s wrong with you.

Compassion: Caring With Grounded Kindness

Where empathy focuses on sharing the feeling, compassion focuses on caring for the person in a way that also considers what will truly help them over time. Compassion takes empathy one step further. It doesn’t ignore feelings or rush past pain. Instead, compassion says:

• “I see what you’re going through.”
• “I care about you and what you feel.”
• “I want to help you move toward healing when you’re ready.”

From a brain perspective, compassion involves networks tied to caregiving and reward, which can support resilience and a sense of purpose, rather than just distress. Over time, compassion-based practices have been shown to increase well-being and strengthen our ability to stay present with suffering in a healthier way.

From a faith perspective, compassion looks like the heart of God in action—kindness, patience, and truth held together.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
— Galatians 6:2

Carrying someone’s burdens does not mean becoming crushed under them. Compassion allows you to share the load without confusing their life with yours.

How to Care Without Trying to “Fix”

Many of us instinctively go into fixing mode. If someone we love is suffering, we want to:

• Give advice
• Solve their problem
• Move them faster than they’re actually ready to go

But often, people need presence before they need solutions.

Compassion helps you shift from “How do I fix this?” to “How can I be faithfully with you in this and support next steps when you’re ready?”

Here’s a simple framework:

1. Notice
   Pay attention to the person’s emotions and body language. Notice your own reactions too.
2. Name
   Gently put words to what seems to be happening.
   • “This feels really scary.”
   • “You sound so tired and discouraged.”
3. Normalize and validate
   Affirm that their reaction makes sense.
   • “Of course you feel overwhelmed. Anyone in your shoes would.”
4. Stay grounded
   Take a quiet breath. Feel your feet on the floor. Remember: “This is their story, not mine.”
5. Ask, don’t assume
   • “What would feel most helpful right now—someone to listen, help you think through options, or just sit with you?”
6. Support, not control
   Offer ideas, but let them be the one to choose.
   • “There are a few directions you could go. Want to talk through them together?”

When you care this way, you are present, kind, and supportive. You are not responsible for forcing change. That belongs to the person, and ultimately, to God.

Compassion and Pacing: Walking With Instead of Pushing

One of the biggest differences between empathy and compassion is what you do with what you feel.

Empathy might lead you to feel their panic, sadness, or anger so strongly that you either:

• Get fused with their emotion and feel stuck with them, or
• Rush to get them out of the pain because you can’t bear it

Compassion adds pacing. It asks, “What is this person actually ready for right now?”

Sometimes compassion looks like:

• Sitting in the emotion a bit longer, even if you can see a clear next step.
• Respecting that they don’t have the energy yet to tackle the big change.
• Gently inviting, not dragging: “When you feel ready, we can think through options together.”

If you push too hard, too soon, they may resist or pull back. Just like someone being physically pushed across a room, people naturally brace themselves when they feel pressured. Compassion walks beside them, adjusting pace, staying patient, and trusting God to work in their timing.

Boundaries: A Key Part of Compassion

Healthy compassion always includes healthy boundaries. Without boundaries, compassion can quietly morph into:

• Over-functioning
• Rescuing
• Trying to carry what is not yours
• Resentment or emotional numbness

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we often talk about boundaries as God-honoring limits that protect both love for others and love for yourself. You are called to Christlike compassion, not to becoming someone’s savior. Jesus already fills that role.

Some compassionate boundaries might look like:

• “I care about you and want to listen, but I’m not able to talk late at night. Can we set a time tomorrow?”
• “I can support you emotionally, but I can’t make this decision for you.”
• “I’m noticing this is starting to feel heavy for me, and I want to keep showing up well. I think it could help to bring in a counselor or pastor, too.”

Boundaries do not mean you care less. They often mean you’re caring more wisely.

Signs You May Be Slipping Into Compassion Fatigue or Burnout

When you spend a lot of time caring for others—whether as a parent, caregiver, ministry leader, or helper—you may be at risk for compassion fatigue or burnout.

Common signs include:

• Feeling emotionally numb or “checked out”
• Irritability or cynicism about people’s problems
• Trouble sleeping, headaches, or body tension
• Feeling hopeless, stuck, or tempted to give up
• Avoiding calls, messages, or people you used to gladly support

If you recognize yourself here, it’s not a sign of failure. It’s a signal that your heart needs care, not condemnation. Compassion for yourself is just as important as compassion for others.

A Christian Perspective: Loving Like Jesus Without Losing Yourself

Jesus shows us that it’s possible to deeply care for people and also step away to rest, pray, and reconnect with the Father. He didn’t heal every person in every town. He didn’t respond to every demand. Yet He perfectly fulfilled His calling.

You are human. You have limits. That is not a flaw; it’s part of how God designed you.

Learning to balance empathy and compassion is part of spiritual maturity:

• Empathy helps you feel the weight of another’s burden.
• Compassion helps you hold that burden with them, not instead of them, while staying rooted in Christ.

When You Need Support Balancing Empathy and Compassion, Consider Therapy in Oregon

If you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online counseling, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

Our Christian counselors at Life Discovery Counseling Services help people who:

• Feel drained by constantly caring for others
• Struggle to say no or set boundaries
• Can’t tell where their feelings end and others’ begin
• Want to love like Jesus but feel exhausted and stuck

In counseling, you can:

• Explore where empathy has begun to feel heavy or overwhelming
• Learn to practice grounded compassion rooted in Christ
• Develop God-honoring boundaries that protect your heart and relationships
• Find practical, faith-integrated tools to care well without trying to fix everything

If your heart is tired from caring, there is hope. You can learn to love deeply and kindly, without burning out. When you’re ready, we’d be honored to walk with you on that journey here in Oregon.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Compassion vs. Empathy: How to Care Deeply Without Trying to “Fix” Everything first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

At Life Discovery Counseling Services in Clackamas and Beaverton, Oregon, we see every day how important it is to care deeply for others without losing yourself in the process. This is true for parents, spouses, friends, ministry leaders, and helpers of all kinds.

In this post, we’ll unpack the difference between empathy and compassion, why empathy can sometimes be draining or even dangerous, and how a more compassion-focused way of caring can help you love others well while staying grounded.​

When Empathy Becomes Heavy

Because empathy is so powerful, it can also become heavy if it’s not balanced.

You might notice some of these patterns:

• You feel emotionally exhausted after conversations where someone shares their pain.
• You have a hard time “turning off” after caring for others.
• You carry other people’s stories around with you long after the conversation ends.
• You feel anxious, overwhelmed, or low without knowing exactly why.

Research suggests that intense, repeated empathy for others’ suffering can be linked with emotional distress and burnout, especially in caregiving roles. When your brain is constantly responding to others’ pain as if it were your own, your nervous system can begin to stay in a state of alert or distress.

For therapists, ministry leaders, caregivers, or anyone in a helper role, this can develop into:

• Compassion fatigue (feeling numb, detached, or “over it”)
• Vicarious trauma (being impacted by others’ trauma as if it were your own)
• Burnout (chronic exhaustion, cynicism, loss of joy or purpose)

Even if you’re “just” the friend everyone leans on, or the person at church who always listens, you may quietly find yourself running on empty.

Why Empathy Can Trigger Your Own Pain
Another risk of empathy is that it can stir up your own unresolved experiences.

When someone shares a story that resembles something you’ve been through—an accident, betrayal, abuse, rejection, grief—it can touch those tender places inside of you. Empathy can blur the line between their story and your story.

What this might look like:

• You suddenly feel intense anger on their behalf that seems bigger than the situation.
• You find yourself wanting to “fix” things quickly, give strong advice, or take sides.
• You notice your body reacting—tight chest, stomach knots, tears—more than seems expected.
• You feel pulled into their emotions and lose your sense of calm or objectivity.

Neuroscience again helps explain this. The same brain regions that activate when we empathize with someone often overlap with the regions involved in our own distress. If you’re not grounded, your system can treat the other person’s situation almost like it’s happening to you.

This doesn’t mean empathy is bad. It simply means it’s powerful—and powerful things need to be handled with care.

What Is Compassion? Caring With Grounded Love

While empathy is “feeling with” someone, compassion is more like “caring for” someone with warmth and a desire to help, without being swept away by their emotions.

Compassion includes:

• Noticing someone’s pain
• Feeling concern and care for them
• Wanting their good and their healing
• Staying steady enough to be helpful

Research suggests that compassion involves brain networks tied more to positive emotions, warmth, and motivation to help, instead of the networks most tied to personal distress. In other words, compassion can feel more like love-in-action and less like drowning in someone else’s hurt.

From a Christian perspective, compassion reflects the heart of Christ.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:32

Jesus consistently moved toward people in pain with deep compassion, yet He remained grounded in His identity, purpose, and relationship with the Father. That’s a beautiful picture of what healthy compassion can look like for us as well.

Empathy vs. Compassion at a Glance

Here is a simple way to see the difference:

You need both empathy and compassion. Together, they help you connect deeply and also stay grounded enough to be genuinely helpful.

Using Empathy Wisely: A Tool, Not a Lifestyle

Empathy can be incredibly healing when used intentionally.

Healthy empathy:

• Helps someone feel deeply understood.
• Shows that their feelings make sense in light of what they’ve lived through.
• Builds trust and a sense of safety in the relationship.

The key is to treat empathy like a tool, not a constant state.

You might:

1. Tune in briefly to what the person is feeling.
2. Name or reflect that feeling (“This sounds incredibly heavy,” “I can hear how alone you’ve felt”).
3. Step back internally—take a breath, notice your own body, reconnect with your sense of self.
4. Help them move forward, rather than staying stuck in the emotion together.

If you stay fused with their emotions, it’s like both of you are in deep water with no one on the shore holding a lifeline. Compassion allows you to care deeply while keeping one foot on solid ground.

Signs You May Be Overusing Empathy

If you rely mostly on empathy and less on compassion, you might notice:

• You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
• You feel guilty saying no or setting boundaries.
• You struggle to separate your feelings from others’ feelings.
• You feel drained after being there for people.
• You start to fake caring because you’re too tired to really feel it anymore.

These can be signals that your heart is overloaded and needs care. It may be time to gently shift from “I must feel everything with you” to “I can care for you and still care for me.”

Growing in Compassion Without Going Numb

Some people respond to emotional overload by shutting down: “If feeling with people hurts this much, I just won’t feel at all.” But that’s not what God invites us into. Scripture calls us to compassion, not disconnection.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
— Galatians 6:2

Here are some ways to grow in compassion while staying emotionally healthy:

1. Notice what you’re feeling.
   Take a quiet moment after a hard conversation to ask, “What am I carrying right now?”
2. Name what is yours and what is theirs.
   Their story is their story. Your story is yours. It’s okay to feel touched by their pain without making it your job to fix it.
3. Invite God into it.
   Pray for the person and also for your own heart:
   “Lord, help me love them well without losing myself. Show me what is mine to carry and what I can entrust to You.”
4. Practice grounding.
   Simple practices like deep breathing, stepping outside, feeling your feet on the floor, or journaling can help your body come back to a calmer state.
5. Set gentle boundaries.
   It’s okay to say, “I really want to hear more about this, but I need a short break,” or, “I care about you so much, and I think it could help to bring this to a counselor or pastor too.”
6. Seek your own support.
   If you notice that other people’s pain keeps stirring up your own, or you feel stuck in overwhelm, talking with a Christian counselor can help you sort through what you’re carrying and why it hits you so hard.

A Christian Perspective: Reflecting God’s Heart

As followers of Jesus, we’re invited to reflect His heart toward people who are hurting. He is both deeply moved by suffering and perfectly grounded in truth and love.

Jesus wept with those who grieved (empathy), and He also brought hope, healing, and guidance (compassion). He never lost Himself in the crowd’s emotions; instead, He often withdrew to pray and reconnect with the Father. That rhythm—moving toward people in love and then pulling away to be restored—is a pattern we can learn from.

If you are someone who feels deeply, you are not “too much.” Your sensitivity is a gift. The invitation is to learn how to steward that gift so it doesn’t burn you out, but instead becomes a channel of God’s love and compassion to others.

When You Need Help to Carry What You’re Carrying, Consider Therapy

If you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online counseling, and you recognize yourself in this—exhausted helper, deeply feeling friend, caregiving spouse or parent—you don’t have to sort this out alone.

Our Christian counselors at Life Discovery Counseling Services walk with people who:

• Feel overwhelmed by others’ pain
• Struggle with burnout, anxiety, or compassion fatigue
• Have a hard time setting boundaries without guilt
• Want to love like Jesus but don’t know how to do it sustainably

Together, we can help you:

• Understand your patterns of empathy and compassion
• Heal from what other people’s stories may have stirred up in you
• Learn practical, faith-integrated tools to stay grounded while you care for others

You’re allowed to care deeply and still be okay. You’re allowed to love others without losing yourself. If you’re ready to explore what that might look like in your life, we would be honored to walk alongside you.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Empathy vs. Compassion: Caring Deeply Without Burning Out first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

Healthy communication is the heartbeat of every strong marriage. When couples communicate well, they foster trust, deepen intimacy, and navigate life’s challenges together. At Life Discovery Counseling Services, serving Clackamas, Beaverton, and all of Oregon through online therapy, we believe that with faith and practical skills, every couple can grow in connection and understanding. Let’s explore why communication matters, common roadblocks, biblical principles, and actionable tools to help your marriage thrive.

Why Communication Matters in Marriage

Communication is more than just exchanging words—it’s about sharing your heart, listening with empathy, and building a foundation of trust. When spouses communicate openly and honestly, they:

• Resolve conflicts more effectively
• Feel understood and valued
• Strengthen emotional and physical intimacy
• Build resilience against life’s inevitable stresses

Poor communication, on the other hand, can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and distance. That’s why investing in your communication skills is one of the most loving things you can do for your marriage.

Common Communication Roadblocks

Even the most devoted couples encounter obstacles in communication. Some of the most common roadblocks include:

• Assumptions and mind-reading: Expecting your spouse to know what you’re thinking without expressing it clearly.
• Interrupting or not listening: Focusing on your response instead of truly hearing your partner.
• Defensiveness: Responding to feedback with excuses or counterattacks.
• Stonewalling or shutting down: Withdrawing emotionally or physically during conflict.
• Harsh or critical words: Using language that tears down rather than builds up.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healthier, more Christ-centered communication.

Biblical Principles for Healthy Communication

Scripture offers timeless wisdom for how we speak and listen to one another in marriage. Here are a few guiding principles:

• Speak kindly and gently: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” — Ephesians 4:29
• Listen before you speak: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” — James 1:19
• Resolve conflicts quickly: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” — Ephesians 4:26
• Speak the truth in love: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” — Ephesians 4:15
• Encourage one another: “Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” — 1 Thessalonians 5:11

At the core of these principles is selflessness—putting your spouse’s needs above your own and seeking their good, just as Christ loves the church.

Practical Tools: Active Listening, “I” Statements, and Conflict Resolution

Effective communication in marriage isn’t just about what you say—it’s also about how you say it and how you listen. Here are some practical tools to help you communicate with grace and clarity:

Active Listening

• Give your spouse your full attention—put away distractions and make eye contact.
• Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure understanding: “What I hear you saying is…”
• Ask open-ended questions to invite deeper sharing.
• Respond with empathy, even if you don’t fully agree.

Using “I” Statements

• Express your feelings and needs without blaming:
  • Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.”
• “I” statements reduce defensiveness and invite collaboration.

Healthy Conflict Resolution

• Address issues promptly—don’t let resentment build.
• Stay focused on the issue at hand, not past grievances.
• Take breaks if emotions run high, and return to the conversation when calm.
• Seek forgiveness and offer grace, remembering Colossians 3:13:
  “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Integrating Prayer and Faith in Marital Conversations

Bringing faith into your communication can transform your marriage. Here’s how:

• Pray together before difficult conversations. Ask God for wisdom, patience, and understanding.
• Invite the Holy Spirit to guide your words and attitudes.
• Share scripture that encourages and uplifts.
• Pray for your spouse, especially when you’re frustrated or hurt.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5-6

Couples who pray together often report greater unity, deeper intimacy, and more resilience in the face of challenges.

When to Seek Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling

Sometimes, communication challenges persist despite your best efforts. It may be time to seek professional help if you notice:

• Frequent arguments that never get resolved
• Emotional or physical withdrawal
• Persistent feelings of hurt, resentment, or loneliness
• Difficulty discussing important topics without conflict
• Repeating the same patterns without progress

Christian couples counseling provides a safe, supportive space to learn new skills, heal past hurts, and grow together in faith and love. At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we offer compassionate, faith-integrated counseling in Clackamas, Beaverton, and online throughout Oregon.

Encouragement and Next Steps

Improving communication in marriage is a journey, not a destination. Every couple faces challenges, but with humility, grace, and a willingness to grow, you can build a marriage that reflects Christ’s love. Remember:

• Small changes can make a big difference.
• God is for your marriage and will guide you as you seek Him together.
• You are not alone—help and hope are available.

“Let all that you do be done in love.” — 1 Corinthians 16:14

Are you ready to strengthen your marriage and deepen your connection?

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we’re here to walk with you every step of the way. Whether you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online therapy, our team offers faith-based counseling tailored to your unique journey.

Contact us today to schedule a couples therapy session and discover how Christian communication skills can transform your marriage. Real change starts with a single conversation.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services, and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Strengthening Marriages: Communication Skills from a Christian Perspective first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

Stories Give Us Meaning and Message

Think about your favorite movie or book. What is it you like about it? Maybe you like the adventure of something newly discovered or explored. Or maybe you’re a hopeless romantic and like the intricate interplay between a man and a woman (especially when you see the spark between them before they do). Or perhaps you relish a fight between good guys and bad guys.

We love stories because we’re storied creatures. Everything we think, say, feel, and do fits within a story. In other words, your life has all the elements of a story, such as plot, characters, setting, theme, and genre. Recent neuroscientific research has established that our brains function as “story processors” more than “logic processors.” All day, every day, your brain is telling you stories. Some stories tell you what you “should” be doing right now; other stories describe what people might be thinking about you. Some stories provide an interpretation for what happened in your past while other stories predict what will happen in your future.

Take a moment right now to consider: what kind of story is your brain telling you right now?

Every day, your brain takes in input from your senses, memories, and other data and weaves it into a narrative. This is the source of what’s called bias. The scientific field of epigenetics explains how nature and nurture weave together a dominant story you tell yourself. And the story didn’t begin the day you were born either. Many aspects of your story tie back to events in your family history. For example, you may react differently than other people in a particular situation because your mom lost her eyesight when she was young or your dad left before you were born. 

As a Child, Our Brains Developed from Story and Narration

In your earliest years, your brain exploded with new neurons collecting, absorbing, and categorizing vast amounts of information from inside and outside your body. It assimilated all that information into a dominant narrative in order to make sense of it.

After this narrative was shaped (mostly before 5 years of age), your brain continued to collect more and more information. But rather than forming a new narrative, your brain used the new data to reinforce the dominant narrative, like ruts forming in a road from repeated use.

Parental and Caregiver Relationships Matter

The quality of your relational attachment with authority figures in your life (particularly your parents) played a crucial role in this narrative formation. Traumatic events and how your attachment figures responded to those traumas also played a crucial role.

The Story May Not Make Sense

Here’s why this matters: often you do not understand the story you are living out at a particular moment in time. You may also not realize other storylines are possible. This is especially important to consider when you find yourself struggling, dealing with difficult circumstances, or otherwise in pain.

Often the story your brain tells you during such times is inadequate and unhelpful. The story may even be increasing your pain! According to research, up to 80% of your thoughts have at least some element of negative content. Thus, when you automatically and unquestioningly believe the story these negative thoughts tell, you can feed anxiety, depression, and other kinds of mental and emotional distress.

Here’s the good news: you can train your brain to tell a different story!

You start by recognizing and naming the current story (or stories) your brain is telling you. Maybe it’s the “I’m a loser” story or the “bad things always happen to me” story or the “I’ll never be loved for who I am” story. Recognizing and naming the story begins the process of disarming it.

Next, ask yourself, “How else could the people involved and the circumstances tell a different story?” Then ask yourself, “If I knew this story had a hopeful ending, how might I see this present moment differently?”

Lastly, choose your next actions to align with this alternative storyline. Choosing a new storyline over and over will reinforce it, thus creating new “ruts” in your brain!

If you get “stuck” in your story, Christian counseling can help.

Even the best of us get stuck in our dominant stories. A good counselor can help tremendously by providing a safe space to identify your dominant story (or stories) and help you see and explore alternative stories. Through a collaborative therapeutic experience, you can identify what is changeable in your story and feel empowered to choose a path forward.

Consider Online Therapy in Oregon for Christian Counseling

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

Other Mental Health Services at Life Discovery Counseling in Oregon

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Power of Story first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

Signs of secure attachment are able to emotionally connect in relationships and deal with adversity and difficult times without retreating or becoming emotionally overbearing.

Even if you do not have a secure attachment style right now, you can still develop one! It takes being able to look at your life, process, and make sense of the events in your life to heal and learn new ways to interact with those around you. With hard work, commitment, and support, you can heal from your attachment wounds and develop healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy attachment styles with your own children.

How do you create a healthy attachment with your children?

First, look at the picture of the “Circle of Security” found in the first blog in this series. Attachment with your child begins before they are even born. Studies have shown that touching your stomach and just the sound of your voice while pregnant begins to develop a healthy attachment between mom and baby. Between 7 to 8 months in utero, a baby’s heart rate will actually slow when it hears its mother’s voice!

Once children are born, you become their safe base, where they can return on a reliable basis when needing comfort, support, or someone to help make sense of their experiences in life. You not only keep your children safe, you also help them organize their feelings and make sense of the world around them. Parents who are not consistently available or who do not share in that emotional connection with their children, leave the child confused and in a sense of chaos as they cannot understand the world around them without their parent’s support.

What does this practically look like?

Imagine your child is on the playground. You sit on a bench on the edge of the playground watching them play. They are happy and smiling while running around until another child throws bark chips in the air and some of them hit your child.  Your child becomes upset and looks around to see where you are. They run over to you and start crying, confused as to why they were just hit with bark chips. How would this scenario differ if your child could not find you, or if you were busy looking at your phone rather than looking at them while they were crying? What if you got up and started yelling at the parent of the child who threw bark chips at your child?

All of these scenarios lead to disconnect with your child, because you are not attuning to their needs, rather you are reacting to the situation. What your child needs is to be able to find you, feel safe, and ask the question in their own way of “Why is this happening?”, “what did I do wrong?”. You get to make sense of the situation for them. By listening, comforting, acknowledging their feelings, and helping them problem-solve, you are making sense of their experience.  This needs to be done in an age-appropriate way, so your responses will vary depending on if your child is 2 years old or 8 years old.

Start Working With a Christian Counselor in Hillsboro, OR

Healthy attachment is important in relationships, friendships, and in parenting. To further explore how to develop a healthy attachment with your children and for yourself, get in touch with our team of caring therapists. We would be happy to offer support from our Hillsboro, OR-based practice and across the state. Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:

1. Contact us by calling 971-808-2686 ext. 700 or email megan@lifedcs.com.
2. Meet with a caring therapist.
3. Start cultivating stronger, healthier relationships!

Other Services Offered at Life Discovery Counseling in Oregon

If you are in Portland, Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, Hillsboro, or Beaverton, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we offer support for parents. We see both adults and children in counseling. Our team offers anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, depression counseling, relationship issues counseling, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

The post Secure Attachment: Parenting Strategies first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

Did you have a parent who became enraged when you sang “too loudly”, or were you hit after requesting a hug? Children who develop what Bowlby called a disorganized attachment, often grow up in a home where you are unsure how your parent is going to respond to your requests. This parental behavior is disorienting and alarming for children. According to Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell in Parenting from the Inside Out, parents who exhibit such behavior, often have their own unresolved trauma or grief that presents as chaos from their own chaotic experiences growing up.  Many parents who express these behaviors have drug or alcohol abuse issues, which contributes to chaotic and frightening reactions.

If you grew up in a home such as this, you may experience a sense of being unreal or detached from what is happening around you or you may feel internally fragmented.  This dissociation can lead you to feel disconnected from yourself. You may feel yourself becoming frozen or your emotional response feeling more intense during interpersonal relationships.  Maintaining relationships can be difficult when you feel such heightened responses in a relationship, potentially causing you to run away from the relationship or putting up an emotional wall to protect yourself. You probably have your own trauma that needs to be processed if you grew up in a chaotic household. Counseling can be a very helpful in learning strategies to working through these experiences, looking at how they impact you currently and beginning to heal from those wounds to grow into the partner and parent you want to be.

Not only does this attachment style greatly impact how you experience life, it impacts your relationships and how you raise your children.  If you experience emotional disconnect from yourself, your spouse and children experience that disconnect as well. In order to create a healthy attachment with your children, it is important for you to work through trauma and learn how to have healthy attachment with those around you. There is hope for healing from past trauma and healthy relationships in your life.  This will require work and dedication, but you can experience healthy relationships, raise healthy children, and experience a sense of connection within yourself.

To learn more about how to develop healthy attachment and heal from past trauma or pain from your family of origin, call 971-808-2686 ext. 700 or email megan@lifedcs.com.

The post Disorganized Attachment Style first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

You were given every opportunity to succeed; you had a roof over your head, food on the table, and two parents at home who loved you. Your family valued independence, which was a benefit to you because you were able to create a successful career for yourself, buy a nice house and car, and are very confident in your ability to care for yourself. The problem is that relationships have always been a struggle for you. Maybe you have had long-term relationships before, but they never seem to work out. This could be due to having what Bowlby called an avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant attachment styles are developed when parents are emotionally unavailable or have a dismissive stance towards the child’s emotional needs. This type of household might look like a loving and involved household from the outside, but parents were not attentive to the child’s emotional needs. This family may be involved in many activities outside the home, taught right from wrong, and given direction for how to be successful in life, but parents were lacking in their ability to pick up on signals from the child. Maybe you grew up in a household where your parents provided every opportunity for you to be successful, participating in multiple sports camps, academic opportunities and paid for you to attend college. They were very interested in helping you succeed, but were absent in your day-to-day experiences and your own personal interests and emotions.

In adulthood, avoidant attachment traits can present as difficulty or minimizing of emotions in relationships. You may appear emotionally distant in relationships, as you are more prone to overly rely on logic. When conflict occurs, you may retreat, as emotions are an unchartered and uncomfortable place to be in. You are most likely an independent person who can easily take care of yourself so when problem solving or conflict arises; you take yourself out of the situation. The difficulty is that your partner or spouse is completely left out in this process, as you single-handedly took care of the situation. This missed opportunity for emotional connection can wear on a relationship, as the emotional bond is not strengthened, rather you each operate independently.

There is nothing wrong with being able to solve your own problems, but in a relationship, conflict oftentimes requires teamwork and open communication. When this does not happen, it can lead to disconnect in the relationship, as neither person feels aligned with their spouse.

Attachment styles greatly impact our relationships and how we raise and connect with our children. If you would like to learn more about healing from an avoidant attachment style and how to create healthy bonds with people in your life, call 971-808-2686 ext. 700 or email megan@lifedcs.com.

The post Avoidant Attachment Style first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

Attachment to our parents comes about from a variety of situations and scenarios. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, but the behavior and attitude that parents approach parenting with can have a life long impact on their children.

Did you grow up in a home where a parent’s response to situations varied greatly? There were times where your mom was very attentive to your every need, but there were other times when she was preoccupied with your younger siblings and did not seem to have any time for you. Or maybe your dad allowed your brothers to wrestle with you in a rough way, even though you did not want them to? Both of these scenarios can lead to a situation in which a child can feel that their parent is not always readily available to them when they need help. Remember the “Circle of Security” diagram? Children who develop what John Bowlby called an anxious attachment style, start out with a secure base, their parent, but that base is not always available when needing comfort or support. Your parents may have been inconsistently available when you needed them.

As an adult these memories can cloud your interactions with your children, impacting your ability to perceive their signals or interpret their needs. In your adult relationships, an anxious attachment can look like anxiety about whether or not others will be dependable. You may experience a sense of urgency for connection with others, which can cause others to push you away if you come across too forceful or strong in your desire for attachment. Understanding where your attachment style came from and reflecting on how shame may have impacted your early life can help in developing healthy relationships.

Oftentimes, having an anxious attachment style can lead you to believe that you were not worthy of your parent’s attention and concern since it was something that was not always dependable. Conflict can feel scary with this attachment style as any disconnect from your partner can lead you to feel anxious, wanting to quickly fix the disconnect. Learning how to work with your attachment style and develop healthy communication can help in alleviating the anxiety felt in relationships.

Your attachment style not only impacts your interpersonal relationships, but can also impact the way you raise your children. If you are interested in learning how to heal from having an anxious attachment style call 971-808-2686 ext. 700 or email megan@lifedcs.com.

The post Anxious Attachment Style first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

How does attachment develop?

Attachment is a powerful bond that began before you were born. The bond only continues as a newborn is laid on their mother’s chest and the baby and mother both produce oxytocin, which is a bonding and attachment hormone naturally produced in the body. Attachment keeps developing as mothers and fathers are attentive to their baby, making facial expressions with them, talking with them, and touching them. As children continue to develop, parents continue playing a role in developing healthy attachment with their children as kids begin to feel safe enough to explore the world around them, they also need to know that a parent is waiting for them in case they need help. Children who feel secure in knowing their parents are available for their emotional, physical, and mental needs, develop a healthy attachment with parents. Children who do not feel secure in that safe base with parents, can develop attachment styles based on anxiety, avoidance, or a feeling of being disorganized, not sure what to expect from their parent.  The Circle of Security Network produced a wonderful visual for how attachment develops with parents.

The attachment we develop with our parents carries into our future relationships. In the following blogs in this series, we will look at the different attachment styles from John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, how they are formed and how they impact our relationship both with our parents and with current relationships, as well as how to develop healthy attachment with our children.

To further explore attachment contact Megan at megan@lifedcs.com or call 971-808-2686 ext. 700.

The post Attachment: Overview and Developmental Process first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.