At Life Discovery Counseling Services in Clackamas and Beaverton, Oregon, our Christian counselors walk with people who feel deeply and often carry a lot for others. Many are exhausted not because they don’t care, but because they care so much. Learning how compassion differs from empathy can help you love well without losing yourself.​

Empathy vs. Compassion: Building on What You Already Feel

If you read our previous article on empathy, you may remember that empathy is about emotionally tuning in to what someone is feeling. Compassion builds on that but adds something crucial: grounded action and wise pacing. Let’s start with simple definitions.

• Empathy is feeling with someone. You emotionally tune in and sense, in your own body, what they might be feeling.
• Compassion is feeling for someone. You recognize their pain, care deeply, and want good for them, while staying grounded and able to help.

You need both, but they don’t play the same role.

Neuroscience suggests empathy activates brain regions tied to distress and pain—essentially, your nervous system can respond to another person’s suffering as if it were your own. Compassion, on the other hand, also involves systems tied to reward, care, and motivation to help, which can feel steadier and more sustainable over time.

From a Christian perspective, compassion reflects the heart of Christ: deeply moved by people’s suffering, yet steady, wise, and rooted in the Father’s love.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:32

Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion: Not All the Same

It can help to distinguish three related ideas:

• Sympathy: “I see you’re hurting, and I’m sorry.” This can be caring, but it often stays on the surface.
• Empathy: “I feel what you’re feeling.” This solves the “alone problem” and brings powerful connection.
• Compassion: “I feel for you and want to walk with you toward healing.” This adds intention to help and the wisdom to consider timing and next steps.

Sympathy might send a card. Empathy might sit and cry with you. Compassion might sit, cry, and also gently help you stand up when you’re ready.

When Empathy Alone Becomes Heavy

As we talked about earlier, empathy is a beautiful gift. It allows you to enter someone’s emotional world and helps them feel seen and understood. But empathy, on its own, can also become heavy.

You may notice:

• You feel overwhelmed after listening to others.
• You carry their stories and emotions home with you.
• You feel foggy, numb, or overstimulated.
• You feel like you should fix things and feel guilty when you can’t.

Research on helpers and caregivers shows that constant exposure to others’ pain—especially when you absorb it as your own—can contribute to compassion fatigue and burnout. Over time, your system can begin to shut down as a way to protect you, leaving you feeling flat, detached, or resentful, even when you still care.

This is often where Christian helpers and “feelers” get stuck. You want to love like Jesus, but you end up exhausted and discouraged, wondering what’s wrong with you.

Compassion: Caring With Grounded Kindness

Where empathy focuses on sharing the feeling, compassion focuses on caring for the person in a way that also considers what will truly help them over time. Compassion takes empathy one step further. It doesn’t ignore feelings or rush past pain. Instead, compassion says:

• “I see what you’re going through.”
• “I care about you and what you feel.”
• “I want to help you move toward healing when you’re ready.”

From a brain perspective, compassion involves networks tied to caregiving and reward, which can support resilience and a sense of purpose, rather than just distress. Over time, compassion-based practices have been shown to increase well-being and strengthen our ability to stay present with suffering in a healthier way.

From a faith perspective, compassion looks like the heart of God in action—kindness, patience, and truth held together.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
— Galatians 6:2

Carrying someone’s burdens does not mean becoming crushed under them. Compassion allows you to share the load without confusing their life with yours.

How to Care Without Trying to “Fix”

Many of us instinctively go into fixing mode. If someone we love is suffering, we want to:

• Give advice
• Solve their problem
• Move them faster than they’re actually ready to go

But often, people need presence before they need solutions.

Compassion helps you shift from “How do I fix this?” to “How can I be faithfully with you in this and support next steps when you’re ready?”

Here’s a simple framework:

1. Notice
   Pay attention to the person’s emotions and body language. Notice your own reactions too.
2. Name
   Gently put words to what seems to be happening.
   • “This feels really scary.”
   • “You sound so tired and discouraged.”
3. Normalize and validate
   Affirm that their reaction makes sense.
   • “Of course you feel overwhelmed. Anyone in your shoes would.”
4. Stay grounded
   Take a quiet breath. Feel your feet on the floor. Remember: “This is their story, not mine.”
5. Ask, don’t assume
   • “What would feel most helpful right now—someone to listen, help you think through options, or just sit with you?”
6. Support, not control
   Offer ideas, but let them be the one to choose.
   • “There are a few directions you could go. Want to talk through them together?”

When you care this way, you are present, kind, and supportive. You are not responsible for forcing change. That belongs to the person, and ultimately, to God.

Compassion and Pacing: Walking With Instead of Pushing

One of the biggest differences between empathy and compassion is what you do with what you feel.

Empathy might lead you to feel their panic, sadness, or anger so strongly that you either:

• Get fused with their emotion and feel stuck with them, or
• Rush to get them out of the pain because you can’t bear it

Compassion adds pacing. It asks, “What is this person actually ready for right now?”

Sometimes compassion looks like:

• Sitting in the emotion a bit longer, even if you can see a clear next step.
• Respecting that they don’t have the energy yet to tackle the big change.
• Gently inviting, not dragging: “When you feel ready, we can think through options together.”

If you push too hard, too soon, they may resist or pull back. Just like someone being physically pushed across a room, people naturally brace themselves when they feel pressured. Compassion walks beside them, adjusting pace, staying patient, and trusting God to work in their timing.

Boundaries: A Key Part of Compassion

Healthy compassion always includes healthy boundaries. Without boundaries, compassion can quietly morph into:

• Over-functioning
• Rescuing
• Trying to carry what is not yours
• Resentment or emotional numbness

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we often talk about boundaries as God-honoring limits that protect both love for others and love for yourself. You are called to Christlike compassion, not to becoming someone’s savior. Jesus already fills that role.

Some compassionate boundaries might look like:

• “I care about you and want to listen, but I’m not able to talk late at night. Can we set a time tomorrow?”
• “I can support you emotionally, but I can’t make this decision for you.”
• “I’m noticing this is starting to feel heavy for me, and I want to keep showing up well. I think it could help to bring in a counselor or pastor, too.”

Boundaries do not mean you care less. They often mean you’re caring more wisely.

Signs You May Be Slipping Into Compassion Fatigue or Burnout

When you spend a lot of time caring for others—whether as a parent, caregiver, ministry leader, or helper—you may be at risk for compassion fatigue or burnout.

Common signs include:

• Feeling emotionally numb or “checked out”
• Irritability or cynicism about people’s problems
• Trouble sleeping, headaches, or body tension
• Feeling hopeless, stuck, or tempted to give up
• Avoiding calls, messages, or people you used to gladly support

If you recognize yourself here, it’s not a sign of failure. It’s a signal that your heart needs care, not condemnation. Compassion for yourself is just as important as compassion for others.

A Christian Perspective: Loving Like Jesus Without Losing Yourself

Jesus shows us that it’s possible to deeply care for people and also step away to rest, pray, and reconnect with the Father. He didn’t heal every person in every town. He didn’t respond to every demand. Yet He perfectly fulfilled His calling.

You are human. You have limits. That is not a flaw; it’s part of how God designed you.

Learning to balance empathy and compassion is part of spiritual maturity:

• Empathy helps you feel the weight of another’s burden.
• Compassion helps you hold that burden with them, not instead of them, while staying rooted in Christ.

When You Need Support Balancing Empathy and Compassion, Consider Therapy in Oregon

If you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online counseling, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

Our Christian counselors at Life Discovery Counseling Services help people who:

• Feel drained by constantly caring for others
• Struggle to say no or set boundaries
• Can’t tell where their feelings end and others’ begin
• Want to love like Jesus but feel exhausted and stuck

In counseling, you can:

• Explore where empathy has begun to feel heavy or overwhelming
• Learn to practice grounded compassion rooted in Christ
• Develop God-honoring boundaries that protect your heart and relationships
• Find practical, faith-integrated tools to care well without trying to fix everything

If your heart is tired from caring, there is hope. You can learn to love deeply and kindly, without burning out. When you’re ready, we’d be honored to walk with you on that journey here in Oregon.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Compassion vs. Empathy: How to Care Deeply Without Trying to “Fix” Everything first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

At Life Discovery Counseling Services in Clackamas and Beaverton, Oregon, we see every day how important it is to care deeply for others without losing yourself in the process. This is true for parents, spouses, friends, ministry leaders, and helpers of all kinds.

In this post, we’ll unpack the difference between empathy and compassion, why empathy can sometimes be draining or even dangerous, and how a more compassion-focused way of caring can help you love others well while staying grounded.​

When Empathy Becomes Heavy

Because empathy is so powerful, it can also become heavy if it’s not balanced.

You might notice some of these patterns:

• You feel emotionally exhausted after conversations where someone shares their pain.
• You have a hard time “turning off” after caring for others.
• You carry other people’s stories around with you long after the conversation ends.
• You feel anxious, overwhelmed, or low without knowing exactly why.

Research suggests that intense, repeated empathy for others’ suffering can be linked with emotional distress and burnout, especially in caregiving roles. When your brain is constantly responding to others’ pain as if it were your own, your nervous system can begin to stay in a state of alert or distress.

For therapists, ministry leaders, caregivers, or anyone in a helper role, this can develop into:

• Compassion fatigue (feeling numb, detached, or “over it”)
• Vicarious trauma (being impacted by others’ trauma as if it were your own)
• Burnout (chronic exhaustion, cynicism, loss of joy or purpose)

Even if you’re “just” the friend everyone leans on, or the person at church who always listens, you may quietly find yourself running on empty.

Why Empathy Can Trigger Your Own Pain
Another risk of empathy is that it can stir up your own unresolved experiences.

When someone shares a story that resembles something you’ve been through—an accident, betrayal, abuse, rejection, grief—it can touch those tender places inside of you. Empathy can blur the line between their story and your story.

What this might look like:

• You suddenly feel intense anger on their behalf that seems bigger than the situation.
• You find yourself wanting to “fix” things quickly, give strong advice, or take sides.
• You notice your body reacting—tight chest, stomach knots, tears—more than seems expected.
• You feel pulled into their emotions and lose your sense of calm or objectivity.

Neuroscience again helps explain this. The same brain regions that activate when we empathize with someone often overlap with the regions involved in our own distress. If you’re not grounded, your system can treat the other person’s situation almost like it’s happening to you.

This doesn’t mean empathy is bad. It simply means it’s powerful—and powerful things need to be handled with care.

What Is Compassion? Caring With Grounded Love

While empathy is “feeling with” someone, compassion is more like “caring for” someone with warmth and a desire to help, without being swept away by their emotions.

Compassion includes:

• Noticing someone’s pain
• Feeling concern and care for them
• Wanting their good and their healing
• Staying steady enough to be helpful

Research suggests that compassion involves brain networks tied more to positive emotions, warmth, and motivation to help, instead of the networks most tied to personal distress. In other words, compassion can feel more like love-in-action and less like drowning in someone else’s hurt.

From a Christian perspective, compassion reflects the heart of Christ.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:32

Jesus consistently moved toward people in pain with deep compassion, yet He remained grounded in His identity, purpose, and relationship with the Father. That’s a beautiful picture of what healthy compassion can look like for us as well.

Empathy vs. Compassion at a Glance

Here is a simple way to see the difference:

You need both empathy and compassion. Together, they help you connect deeply and also stay grounded enough to be genuinely helpful.

Using Empathy Wisely: A Tool, Not a Lifestyle

Empathy can be incredibly healing when used intentionally.

Healthy empathy:

• Helps someone feel deeply understood.
• Shows that their feelings make sense in light of what they’ve lived through.
• Builds trust and a sense of safety in the relationship.

The key is to treat empathy like a tool, not a constant state.

You might:

1. Tune in briefly to what the person is feeling.
2. Name or reflect that feeling (“This sounds incredibly heavy,” “I can hear how alone you’ve felt”).
3. Step back internally—take a breath, notice your own body, reconnect with your sense of self.
4. Help them move forward, rather than staying stuck in the emotion together.

If you stay fused with their emotions, it’s like both of you are in deep water with no one on the shore holding a lifeline. Compassion allows you to care deeply while keeping one foot on solid ground.

Signs You May Be Overusing Empathy

If you rely mostly on empathy and less on compassion, you might notice:

• You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
• You feel guilty saying no or setting boundaries.
• You struggle to separate your feelings from others’ feelings.
• You feel drained after being there for people.
• You start to fake caring because you’re too tired to really feel it anymore.

These can be signals that your heart is overloaded and needs care. It may be time to gently shift from “I must feel everything with you” to “I can care for you and still care for me.”

Growing in Compassion Without Going Numb

Some people respond to emotional overload by shutting down: “If feeling with people hurts this much, I just won’t feel at all.” But that’s not what God invites us into. Scripture calls us to compassion, not disconnection.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
— Galatians 6:2

Here are some ways to grow in compassion while staying emotionally healthy:

1. Notice what you’re feeling.
   Take a quiet moment after a hard conversation to ask, “What am I carrying right now?”
2. Name what is yours and what is theirs.
   Their story is their story. Your story is yours. It’s okay to feel touched by their pain without making it your job to fix it.
3. Invite God into it.
   Pray for the person and also for your own heart:
   “Lord, help me love them well without losing myself. Show me what is mine to carry and what I can entrust to You.”
4. Practice grounding.
   Simple practices like deep breathing, stepping outside, feeling your feet on the floor, or journaling can help your body come back to a calmer state.
5. Set gentle boundaries.
   It’s okay to say, “I really want to hear more about this, but I need a short break,” or, “I care about you so much, and I think it could help to bring this to a counselor or pastor too.”
6. Seek your own support.
   If you notice that other people’s pain keeps stirring up your own, or you feel stuck in overwhelm, talking with a Christian counselor can help you sort through what you’re carrying and why it hits you so hard.

A Christian Perspective: Reflecting God’s Heart

As followers of Jesus, we’re invited to reflect His heart toward people who are hurting. He is both deeply moved by suffering and perfectly grounded in truth and love.

Jesus wept with those who grieved (empathy), and He also brought hope, healing, and guidance (compassion). He never lost Himself in the crowd’s emotions; instead, He often withdrew to pray and reconnect with the Father. That rhythm—moving toward people in love and then pulling away to be restored—is a pattern we can learn from.

If you are someone who feels deeply, you are not “too much.” Your sensitivity is a gift. The invitation is to learn how to steward that gift so it doesn’t burn you out, but instead becomes a channel of God’s love and compassion to others.

When You Need Help to Carry What You’re Carrying, Consider Therapy

If you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online counseling, and you recognize yourself in this—exhausted helper, deeply feeling friend, caregiving spouse or parent—you don’t have to sort this out alone.

Our Christian counselors at Life Discovery Counseling Services walk with people who:

• Feel overwhelmed by others’ pain
• Struggle with burnout, anxiety, or compassion fatigue
• Have a hard time setting boundaries without guilt
• Want to love like Jesus but don’t know how to do it sustainably

Together, we can help you:

• Understand your patterns of empathy and compassion
• Heal from what other people’s stories may have stirred up in you
• Learn practical, faith-integrated tools to stay grounded while you care for others

You’re allowed to care deeply and still be okay. You’re allowed to love others without losing yourself. If you’re ready to explore what that might look like in your life, we would be honored to walk alongside you.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Empathy vs. Compassion: Caring Deeply Without Burning Out first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

Understanding Anxiety: You Are Not Alone

If you’re experiencing anxiety, you might notice symptoms like:

• Racing thoughts or constant worry
• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
• Physical symptoms such as a racing heart, muscle tension, or stomach upset
• Avoidance of situations that trigger fear

It’s important to remember that anxiety is a normal human response to stress, but when it starts to interfere with daily life, relationships, or your sense of peace, it’s time to seek support.

Many people struggle with anxiety in silence, feeling embarrassed or ashamed. But you don’t have to face this alone. Reaching out for help is a courageous first step toward healing.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5:7

The Barriers to Seeking Help

Sometimes, anxiety is compounded by the belief that we “should” be able to handle things on our own, or that faith alone should make us immune to worry. But even faithful followers of Christ experienced fear and anxiety—think of David’s cries in the Psalms or Elijah’s exhaustion in the wilderness.

God invites us to bring our worries to Him and to seek wise counsel from others. There is no shame in needing support; in fact, scripture encourages us to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2).

Scriptural Encouragement for Anxious Times

The Bible is filled with encouragement for those who feel anxious or afraid. Consider these verses:

• “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:6-7
• “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” — Psalm 56:3

These passages remind us that God cares deeply for us and offers peace that surpasses our circumstances.

Practical Faith-Based Strategies for Coping with Anxiety

While faith provides a strong foundation, God also equips us with practical tools and resources. Here are several strategies you can begin using today:

1. Ground Yourself in Prayer and Scripture

• Start and end your day with prayer, asking God to calm your mind and guide your steps.
• Meditate on scriptures that speak to God’s faithfulness and peace (such as Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 6:34, or Psalm 94:19).
• Write down verses and keep them visible—on your mirror, in your car, or at your desk.

2. Practice Mindful Breathing and Relaxation

• Take a few moments to breathe deeply, focusing on the sensation of air entering and leaving your body.
• As you breathe, silently repeat a calming scripture or phrase, such as “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
• Progressive muscle relaxation, gentle stretching, or a short walk can also help release physical tension.

3. Challenge Anxious Thoughts with Truth

• Notice when your thoughts spiral into “what ifs” or worst-case scenarios.
• Ask yourself: Is this thought true? What does God’s Word say about this situation?
• Replace anxious thoughts with affirmations rooted in scripture, such as “God is with me,” or “I am not alone.”

4. Connect with Supportive People

• Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or church leader.
• Join a small group or Bible study for encouragement and accountability.
• Remember, community is a gift—let others pray for you and walk alongside you.

5. Establish Healthy Routines

• Maintain a regular sleep schedule and eat nourishing foods.
• Engage in physical activity, even if it’s just a short daily walk.
• Limit caffeine, sugar, and screen time, especially before bed.

6. Consider Professional Christian Counseling

• Sometimes, anxiety persists despite our best efforts. That’s when professional support can make a significant difference.
• At Life Discovery Counseling Services, our counselors blend clinical expertise with Biblical wisdom, helping you develop personalized strategies for managing anxiety.
• Counseling provides a safe, confidential space to process your experiences, learn new coping skills, and grow in faith.

Integrating Faith and Evidence-Based Counseling

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we believe that faith and science work together to promote healing. Our approach to anxiety includes:

• Biblical Wisdom: We draw on scripture to remind you of God’s love, presence, and promises.
• Clinical Techniques: We use proven methods such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and relaxation training to help you manage anxiety symptoms.
• Personalized Care: Every person’s experience with anxiety is unique. We tailor our support to your needs, respecting your pace and honoring your faith journey.
• Whole-Person Focus: We address emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of anxiety, helping you build resilience and hope for the future.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” — John 14:27

Taking the Next Step Toward Peace

If you’re struggling with anxiety, remember that you are not alone and that real change is possible. God is with you, and there are practical steps you can take to find relief. Start by inviting Him into your worry, reaching out for support, and taking small steps each day toward healing.

If you’re ready to take the next step, our team at Life Discovery Counseling Services is here to walk with you. Whether you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online therapy, we offer compassionate, faith-integrated counseling that meets you where you are.

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” — Psalm 94:19

Are you ready to find peace and hope in the midst of anxiety? Contact Life Discovery Counseling Services today to schedule a session with one of our caring Christian counselors. You don’t have to walk this journey alone—real support starts here.

The post Coping with Anxiety: Faith-Based Strategies That Work first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is part 5 of a 5-part series on Boundaries by Megan Coggins.
Read Part 1 (Boundary Issues with Family) here.
Read Part 2 (Boundary Issues with Friends) here.
Read Part 3 (Boundary Issues at Work) here.
Read Part 4 (Boundary Issues in Marriage) here.

It’s late, the kids are in bed, you are exhausted and need a quiet moment to yourself. Once you walk into the kitchen, you promise yourself to eat one cookie as a way to treat yourself after a long, hard day. Before you know it, you have ate half of the bag of cookies and moved on to that favorite bag of chips. How do you keep winding up in this position?

The man in the cubicle next to yours is going through a messy divorce, and you hear most of his phone conversations due to his loud yelling at his ex-wife.  After work you go out with a coworker for dinner, mentioning this distraction and how it impacts your work productivity. Of course you mean to keep it about work, but you can’t help but dive into a few of the details you overheard.

Maybe, you might find yourself spending time on your computer or phone looking at pornography.  This can make you feel isolated and ashamed of what you are doing, or you see no harm. The problem is that your desire to view pornography gets worse, which can lead to isolation and a sense of hopelessness that you can’t stop your actions.

When we don’t respect our needs, we can begin operating blindly in life, hurting others and ourselves along the way.  Overeating, gossiping, and pornography are only a few examples of how we can cultivate poor boundaries with ourselves. Willpower alone is not enough to create healthy boundaries with ourselves.

First off, it is vital to figure out what the symptoms of your lacking boundaries are. Do yousuffer from depression, anxiety, relationship struggles, or isolation? Next it is important to figure out what the root of the boundary problem is: Did something happen growing up that is impacting you or do you have unmet emotional needs? Furthermore, notice what the conflict is, take ownership, and create healthy boundaries. Developing a trusting relationship with someone that can hold you accountable is also very valuable. This can be a friend, pastor, or counselor.

Cloud and Townsend offer great insight in their book Boundaries. This book dives into the grace you will need for yourself, while developing these healthy boundaries. Furthermore, they recognize the need for allowing yourself to fail, acknowledging the fact that you are a human! They also emphasize the importance of listening to feedback those supporting you, and to surround yourself with people who love and care about you.  You cannot do this alone!

Consider Marriage Counseling in Oregon

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your marriage can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start marriage counseling, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About Megan, the Author

Megan Coggins is a Licensed Professional Counselor and writes about anxiety, trauma, postpartum and pregnancy issues, and relationships. She is a skilled and caring Christian therapist in Oregon. If you are interested in reaching out to Megan for Christian marriage counseling, please call us at 971-808-2686

The post Boundary Issues with Self-Part 5 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

 This is part 4 of a 5-part series on Boundaries by Megan Coggins.
First Part | Boundary Issues with Family here.
Second Part | Boundary Issues with Friends here.
Third Part | Boundary Issues at Work here.

Final Part | Boundary Issues with Self here next.

Marriage is a beautiful relationship where two people form one unified household. It is when two people work together in one partnership. While this picture of marriage is wonderful, a marriage can also be a place where personal boundaries can become hazy.

One of the most complicated parts of marriage is that you become one with your spouse. You know them better than anyone else. You can tell what they are feeling and thinking without even asking them. This amazing bond between a husband and wife can become complicated. This is because at times one spouse takes on the feeling of the other spouse.  Has your spouse ever come home angry from work? You may have been having a great day before you saw your spouse, but now you find yourself feeling irritable and short-tempered. You have taken on their emotion!

Why there are Boundary Issues in Marriage

Something that I see when working with couples is that it can be very difficult to share your emotions with your spouse. Conversations about emotions become more of an evaluation of the spouse’s behavior. Rather than sharing emotions of how that behavior impacts you.  Couples spend years believing their spouse does not understand them and cannot figure out where this distance is coming from.  By not sharing your emotions with your spouse, you are missing an opportunity for intimacy, an opportunity for them to truly know you. As Cloud and Townsend say in their book Boundaries, “Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to do something.”  Feelings are the prompting needed to help you look towards your spouse for support and vulnerability.

Boundaries in marriage also consist of sharing with each other what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable with. Many couples walk into marriage assuming that their values are the same as their spouse. However, they have never actually discussed with them specifics of their values.  In marriage, it is best to be specific. Vagueness only leads to conflict, misunderstanding, and disconnect. Have you ever discussed with your spouse your values on the following topics?

• Drinking
• Pornography
• Physical boundaries with others
• Emotional distance with others
• How time is spent

Boundaries on these topics may seem obvious to you, but oftentimes couples do not see eye to eye on these topics. Getting on the same page with your spouse builds intimacy!

How to Establish Boundaries

Cloud and Townsend, in their book Boundaries, have come up with some practical steps to integrate healthy boundaries in a marriage. First, take an inventory of the symptom, try to determine where the problem lies. The next step is to identify the specific boundary problem that exists. Such as one spouse feeling that they do not have equal say in decision-making. Third, determine where the problem began. Has it been occurring since the beginning of the relationship or is it recent? Fourth, find a support system whether that is a small group, counselor, or pastor to help support you both on your journey. Next, begin to practice the new boundaries and forgive your spouse for any hurt they may have caused. Finally, become proactive in deciding healthy boundaries and limits in your marriage with your spouse.

Start Christian Marriage Counseling in Hillsboro, OR

Our Oregon counselors in Clackamas and Hillsboro are ready to help you establish healthy boundaries. Through Christian marriage counseling, you can start sharing your emotions with your spouse without crossing boundaries. Get your relationship back to a place of healthy emotions and personal boundaries.

When you are ready to start couples therapy in Oregon follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our Hillsboro therapists and Clackamas counselors
2.  Contact us with questions or Schedule an appointment directly with your preferred therapist
3. Build your support system and establish healthy boundaries in your marriage

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

Couples therapy isn’t the only service offered at Life Discovery Counseling. We offer online therapy for residents in Oregon. If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Our therapists offer services for both adults and children. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need. We are ready to meet you when you are ready to start!

About Megan, the Author

Megan Coggins is a Licensed Professional Counselor and writes about anxiety, trauma, postpartum and pregnancy issues, and relationships. She is a skilled and caring Christian therapist in Oregon. If you are interested in reaching out to Megan for Christian marriage counseling, please call us at 971-808-2686

The post Boundary Issues in Marriage Part 4 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is part 3 of a 5-part series on Boundaries by Megan Coggins.
Read Part 1 (Boundary Issues with Family) here.
Read Part 2 (Boundary Issues with Friends) here.

Have you ever accepted a work task that was outside your normal duties? Have you ever worked late to complete a project? Have you noticed yourself staying a little later every day at work? While these are not bad in essence, and can at times be healthy as an employee to complete your work, if these behaviors become a habit, work can become all encompassing of your life.

The work environment can be a competitive world that easily becomes all consuming, taking priority over every other area in a person’s life. According to a recent Gallup Poll, over 50% of adults employed full-time, 40 hours per week, reported working more than 40 hours a week, with a majority reporting working between 50-59 hours a week. Americans who receive a salary are almost twice as likely as hourly paid workers to work over 40 hours a week.

Work environment can also become unhealthy due to coworkers. Negative coworkers, high stress work environments with little support from supervisors, and supervisors who expect you to work beyond your established hours are also examples of lacking boundaries in the work place.

So how can we establish healthy boundaries in the workplace without coming across as unmotivated or undedicated to our work? The first step is to begin taking ownership of how you feel, think, and what you want. Separate your identity from work to really figure out who you are. It is vital that you begin assessing your limits because if you are working beyond your limits, your natural talents are most likely not being used to their fullest potential. You will produce higher quality work, produce an increased quantity of work, and have more energy at the end of the day if you can work within your limits!

Creating boundaries at work can be intimidating, but establishing those boundaries is crucial to your own health. If you are interested in learning more about boundaries contact Life Discovery Counseling at megan@lifedcs.com or call 971-808-2686.

The post Boundary Issues at Work-Part 3 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is part 2 of a 5-part series on Boundaries by Megan Coggins.
Read Part 1 (Boundary Issues with Family) here.

“It seems like I never end up doing what I really want when we hang out”, “I feel inferior to my friend”, or “Why do I feel irritated by her?”. If any of these statements sound familiar to you, you may be experiencing lacking boundaries in a friendship.

Friendships can be confusing and difficult to navigate. On one hand, aren’t you supposed to always be there for you friend, ‘have their back’? But why do you feel used at times by a friend or that your voice or opinion does not matter? There are a few different scenarios in friendships that can lead to poor boundaries.

One situation that I see is that someone struggles to say ‘no’ when a friend asks them to do something. They want so badly to please their friend and be there, that they will overwhelm their own schedule and lives for the friend.

It’s important to remember that sometimes friends overstep our boundaries because our desire to please them or fear of saying no, which is our problem to solve, while other times our boundaries are violated because the friend is needy or clingy and has their own problems that do not have anything to do with us or our boundaries.

Setting boundaries in friendships can seem scary because friendships are only supported by the friendship itself. Cloud and Townsend in Boundaries say it well; “The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one thing we can’t control.” A real friendship that is full of love and care will be able to handle limits and boundaries that will only strengthen the friendship. Being able to say “no” to a friend or speak your opinion may be just the thing that will strengthen a friendship.

If you are interested in learning more about how to apply healthy boundaries in your friendships, please call us at 971-808-2686 or email megan@lifedcs.com.

The post Boundary Issues with Friends-Part 2 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is part 1 of a 5-part series on Boundaries by Megan Coggins.

The holidays are a time of family, togetherness, and making memories. This can be a time of year full of magic and wonder, pure exhaustion and burnout, and everything in between. Beyond the busy schedule and attempts to make the holidays the perfect picture of joy, add in the differing dynamics of family and cue the emotional fatigue.

Imagine yourself at a family gathering. Have you ever been asked, “So anyone ‘special’ in your life’”, “When are you planning on having kids”, “Hmm, still doing that job…”?  Do any of those comments sound familiar? While they may seem harmless, these questions can become bothersome and annoying when you feel that your family or your spouse’s family do not respect the decisions you are making in your life.

How does the word ‘boundaries’ sit with you? Does it resonate positively with you or does it remind you of a prickly barbed wire fence? Our society has painted a picture of boundaries as one that shows coldness and distance, but boundaries can be healing and empowering when used correctly.  Boundaries in families can empower couples to work together as a cohesive unit, strengthen an individual’s concept of their ability to make decisions, and actually make families stronger and closer.

As a psychotherapist, I work with many individuals and couples who have found themselves in a situation in which their family members are operating without boundaries and experiencing boundary conflicts and damaging boundary violations. This can lead to spousal conflict, frustration, distancing from family, and bitterness.

The concept of boundaries may seem cold and unloving, but done in the right way they are healthy and empowering. As Cloud and Townsend say in their book Boundaries, “The best boundaries are loving ones. The person who has to remain forever in a protective mode is losing out on love and freedom.”

If you would like to further explore how boundaries are impacting your life and how to create boundaries, counseling can be a helpful tool in discovering what needs were not met and how to get them met in a healthy way.  For more information on how to begin therapy or learn more about boundaries, please give us a call at 971-808-2686 or email megan@lifedcs.com

The post Boundary Issues with Family-Part 1 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.