At Life Discovery Counseling Services in Clackamas and Beaverton, Oregon, our Christian counselors walk with people who feel deeply and often carry a lot for others. Many are exhausted not because they don’t care, but because they care so much. Learning how compassion differs from empathy can help you love well without losing yourself.​

Empathy vs. Compassion: Building on What You Already Feel

If you read our previous article on empathy, you may remember that empathy is about emotionally tuning in to what someone is feeling. Compassion builds on that but adds something crucial: grounded action and wise pacing. Let’s start with simple definitions.

• Empathy is feeling with someone. You emotionally tune in and sense, in your own body, what they might be feeling.
• Compassion is feeling for someone. You recognize their pain, care deeply, and want good for them, while staying grounded and able to help.

You need both, but they don’t play the same role.

Neuroscience suggests empathy activates brain regions tied to distress and pain—essentially, your nervous system can respond to another person’s suffering as if it were your own. Compassion, on the other hand, also involves systems tied to reward, care, and motivation to help, which can feel steadier and more sustainable over time.

From a Christian perspective, compassion reflects the heart of Christ: deeply moved by people’s suffering, yet steady, wise, and rooted in the Father’s love.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:32

Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion: Not All the Same

It can help to distinguish three related ideas:

• Sympathy: “I see you’re hurting, and I’m sorry.” This can be caring, but it often stays on the surface.
• Empathy: “I feel what you’re feeling.” This solves the “alone problem” and brings powerful connection.
• Compassion: “I feel for you and want to walk with you toward healing.” This adds intention to help and the wisdom to consider timing and next steps.

Sympathy might send a card. Empathy might sit and cry with you. Compassion might sit, cry, and also gently help you stand up when you’re ready.

When Empathy Alone Becomes Heavy

As we talked about earlier, empathy is a beautiful gift. It allows you to enter someone’s emotional world and helps them feel seen and understood. But empathy, on its own, can also become heavy.

You may notice:

• You feel overwhelmed after listening to others.
• You carry their stories and emotions home with you.
• You feel foggy, numb, or overstimulated.
• You feel like you should fix things and feel guilty when you can’t.

Research on helpers and caregivers shows that constant exposure to others’ pain—especially when you absorb it as your own—can contribute to compassion fatigue and burnout. Over time, your system can begin to shut down as a way to protect you, leaving you feeling flat, detached, or resentful, even when you still care.

This is often where Christian helpers and “feelers” get stuck. You want to love like Jesus, but you end up exhausted and discouraged, wondering what’s wrong with you.

Compassion: Caring With Grounded Kindness

Where empathy focuses on sharing the feeling, compassion focuses on caring for the person in a way that also considers what will truly help them over time. Compassion takes empathy one step further. It doesn’t ignore feelings or rush past pain. Instead, compassion says:

• “I see what you’re going through.”
• “I care about you and what you feel.”
• “I want to help you move toward healing when you’re ready.”

From a brain perspective, compassion involves networks tied to caregiving and reward, which can support resilience and a sense of purpose, rather than just distress. Over time, compassion-based practices have been shown to increase well-being and strengthen our ability to stay present with suffering in a healthier way.

From a faith perspective, compassion looks like the heart of God in action—kindness, patience, and truth held together.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
— Galatians 6:2

Carrying someone’s burdens does not mean becoming crushed under them. Compassion allows you to share the load without confusing their life with yours.

How to Care Without Trying to “Fix”

Many of us instinctively go into fixing mode. If someone we love is suffering, we want to:

• Give advice
• Solve their problem
• Move them faster than they’re actually ready to go

But often, people need presence before they need solutions.

Compassion helps you shift from “How do I fix this?” to “How can I be faithfully with you in this and support next steps when you’re ready?”

Here’s a simple framework:

1. Notice
   Pay attention to the person’s emotions and body language. Notice your own reactions too.
2. Name
   Gently put words to what seems to be happening.
   • “This feels really scary.”
   • “You sound so tired and discouraged.”
3. Normalize and validate
   Affirm that their reaction makes sense.
   • “Of course you feel overwhelmed. Anyone in your shoes would.”
4. Stay grounded
   Take a quiet breath. Feel your feet on the floor. Remember: “This is their story, not mine.”
5. Ask, don’t assume
   • “What would feel most helpful right now—someone to listen, help you think through options, or just sit with you?”
6. Support, not control
   Offer ideas, but let them be the one to choose.
   • “There are a few directions you could go. Want to talk through them together?”

When you care this way, you are present, kind, and supportive. You are not responsible for forcing change. That belongs to the person, and ultimately, to God.

Compassion and Pacing: Walking With Instead of Pushing

One of the biggest differences between empathy and compassion is what you do with what you feel.

Empathy might lead you to feel their panic, sadness, or anger so strongly that you either:

• Get fused with their emotion and feel stuck with them, or
• Rush to get them out of the pain because you can’t bear it

Compassion adds pacing. It asks, “What is this person actually ready for right now?”

Sometimes compassion looks like:

• Sitting in the emotion a bit longer, even if you can see a clear next step.
• Respecting that they don’t have the energy yet to tackle the big change.
• Gently inviting, not dragging: “When you feel ready, we can think through options together.”

If you push too hard, too soon, they may resist or pull back. Just like someone being physically pushed across a room, people naturally brace themselves when they feel pressured. Compassion walks beside them, adjusting pace, staying patient, and trusting God to work in their timing.

Boundaries: A Key Part of Compassion

Healthy compassion always includes healthy boundaries. Without boundaries, compassion can quietly morph into:

• Over-functioning
• Rescuing
• Trying to carry what is not yours
• Resentment or emotional numbness

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we often talk about boundaries as God-honoring limits that protect both love for others and love for yourself. You are called to Christlike compassion, not to becoming someone’s savior. Jesus already fills that role.

Some compassionate boundaries might look like:

• “I care about you and want to listen, but I’m not able to talk late at night. Can we set a time tomorrow?”
• “I can support you emotionally, but I can’t make this decision for you.”
• “I’m noticing this is starting to feel heavy for me, and I want to keep showing up well. I think it could help to bring in a counselor or pastor, too.”

Boundaries do not mean you care less. They often mean you’re caring more wisely.

Signs You May Be Slipping Into Compassion Fatigue or Burnout

When you spend a lot of time caring for others—whether as a parent, caregiver, ministry leader, or helper—you may be at risk for compassion fatigue or burnout.

Common signs include:

• Feeling emotionally numb or “checked out”
• Irritability or cynicism about people’s problems
• Trouble sleeping, headaches, or body tension
• Feeling hopeless, stuck, or tempted to give up
• Avoiding calls, messages, or people you used to gladly support

If you recognize yourself here, it’s not a sign of failure. It’s a signal that your heart needs care, not condemnation. Compassion for yourself is just as important as compassion for others.

A Christian Perspective: Loving Like Jesus Without Losing Yourself

Jesus shows us that it’s possible to deeply care for people and also step away to rest, pray, and reconnect with the Father. He didn’t heal every person in every town. He didn’t respond to every demand. Yet He perfectly fulfilled His calling.

You are human. You have limits. That is not a flaw; it’s part of how God designed you.

Learning to balance empathy and compassion is part of spiritual maturity:

• Empathy helps you feel the weight of another’s burden.
• Compassion helps you hold that burden with them, not instead of them, while staying rooted in Christ.

When You Need Support Balancing Empathy and Compassion, Consider Therapy in Oregon

If you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online counseling, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

Our Christian counselors at Life Discovery Counseling Services help people who:

• Feel drained by constantly caring for others
• Struggle to say no or set boundaries
• Can’t tell where their feelings end and others’ begin
• Want to love like Jesus but feel exhausted and stuck

In counseling, you can:

• Explore where empathy has begun to feel heavy or overwhelming
• Learn to practice grounded compassion rooted in Christ
• Develop God-honoring boundaries that protect your heart and relationships
• Find practical, faith-integrated tools to care well without trying to fix everything

If your heart is tired from caring, there is hope. You can learn to love deeply and kindly, without burning out. When you’re ready, we’d be honored to walk with you on that journey here in Oregon.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Compassion vs. Empathy: How to Care Deeply Without Trying to “Fix” Everything first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

At Life Discovery Counseling Services in Clackamas and Beaverton, Oregon, we see every day how important it is to care deeply for others without losing yourself in the process. This is true for parents, spouses, friends, ministry leaders, and helpers of all kinds.

In this post, we’ll unpack the difference between empathy and compassion, why empathy can sometimes be draining or even dangerous, and how a more compassion-focused way of caring can help you love others well while staying grounded.​

When Empathy Becomes Heavy

Because empathy is so powerful, it can also become heavy if it’s not balanced.

You might notice some of these patterns:

• You feel emotionally exhausted after conversations where someone shares their pain.
• You have a hard time “turning off” after caring for others.
• You carry other people’s stories around with you long after the conversation ends.
• You feel anxious, overwhelmed, or low without knowing exactly why.

Research suggests that intense, repeated empathy for others’ suffering can be linked with emotional distress and burnout, especially in caregiving roles. When your brain is constantly responding to others’ pain as if it were your own, your nervous system can begin to stay in a state of alert or distress.

For therapists, ministry leaders, caregivers, or anyone in a helper role, this can develop into:

• Compassion fatigue (feeling numb, detached, or “over it”)
• Vicarious trauma (being impacted by others’ trauma as if it were your own)
• Burnout (chronic exhaustion, cynicism, loss of joy or purpose)

Even if you’re “just” the friend everyone leans on, or the person at church who always listens, you may quietly find yourself running on empty.

Why Empathy Can Trigger Your Own Pain
Another risk of empathy is that it can stir up your own unresolved experiences.

When someone shares a story that resembles something you’ve been through—an accident, betrayal, abuse, rejection, grief—it can touch those tender places inside of you. Empathy can blur the line between their story and your story.

What this might look like:

• You suddenly feel intense anger on their behalf that seems bigger than the situation.
• You find yourself wanting to “fix” things quickly, give strong advice, or take sides.
• You notice your body reacting—tight chest, stomach knots, tears—more than seems expected.
• You feel pulled into their emotions and lose your sense of calm or objectivity.

Neuroscience again helps explain this. The same brain regions that activate when we empathize with someone often overlap with the regions involved in our own distress. If you’re not grounded, your system can treat the other person’s situation almost like it’s happening to you.

This doesn’t mean empathy is bad. It simply means it’s powerful—and powerful things need to be handled with care.

What Is Compassion? Caring With Grounded Love

While empathy is “feeling with” someone, compassion is more like “caring for” someone with warmth and a desire to help, without being swept away by their emotions.

Compassion includes:

• Noticing someone’s pain
• Feeling concern and care for them
• Wanting their good and their healing
• Staying steady enough to be helpful

Research suggests that compassion involves brain networks tied more to positive emotions, warmth, and motivation to help, instead of the networks most tied to personal distress. In other words, compassion can feel more like love-in-action and less like drowning in someone else’s hurt.

From a Christian perspective, compassion reflects the heart of Christ.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
— Ephesians 4:32

Jesus consistently moved toward people in pain with deep compassion, yet He remained grounded in His identity, purpose, and relationship with the Father. That’s a beautiful picture of what healthy compassion can look like for us as well.

Empathy vs. Compassion at a Glance

Here is a simple way to see the difference:

You need both empathy and compassion. Together, they help you connect deeply and also stay grounded enough to be genuinely helpful.

Using Empathy Wisely: A Tool, Not a Lifestyle

Empathy can be incredibly healing when used intentionally.

Healthy empathy:

• Helps someone feel deeply understood.
• Shows that their feelings make sense in light of what they’ve lived through.
• Builds trust and a sense of safety in the relationship.

The key is to treat empathy like a tool, not a constant state.

You might:

1. Tune in briefly to what the person is feeling.
2. Name or reflect that feeling (“This sounds incredibly heavy,” “I can hear how alone you’ve felt”).
3. Step back internally—take a breath, notice your own body, reconnect with your sense of self.
4. Help them move forward, rather than staying stuck in the emotion together.

If you stay fused with their emotions, it’s like both of you are in deep water with no one on the shore holding a lifeline. Compassion allows you to care deeply while keeping one foot on solid ground.

Signs You May Be Overusing Empathy

If you rely mostly on empathy and less on compassion, you might notice:

• You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
• You feel guilty saying no or setting boundaries.
• You struggle to separate your feelings from others’ feelings.
• You feel drained after being there for people.
• You start to fake caring because you’re too tired to really feel it anymore.

These can be signals that your heart is overloaded and needs care. It may be time to gently shift from “I must feel everything with you” to “I can care for you and still care for me.”

Growing in Compassion Without Going Numb

Some people respond to emotional overload by shutting down: “If feeling with people hurts this much, I just won’t feel at all.” But that’s not what God invites us into. Scripture calls us to compassion, not disconnection.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
— Galatians 6:2

Here are some ways to grow in compassion while staying emotionally healthy:

1. Notice what you’re feeling.
   Take a quiet moment after a hard conversation to ask, “What am I carrying right now?”
2. Name what is yours and what is theirs.
   Their story is their story. Your story is yours. It’s okay to feel touched by their pain without making it your job to fix it.
3. Invite God into it.
   Pray for the person and also for your own heart:
   “Lord, help me love them well without losing myself. Show me what is mine to carry and what I can entrust to You.”
4. Practice grounding.
   Simple practices like deep breathing, stepping outside, feeling your feet on the floor, or journaling can help your body come back to a calmer state.
5. Set gentle boundaries.
   It’s okay to say, “I really want to hear more about this, but I need a short break,” or, “I care about you so much, and I think it could help to bring this to a counselor or pastor too.”
6. Seek your own support.
   If you notice that other people’s pain keeps stirring up your own, or you feel stuck in overwhelm, talking with a Christian counselor can help you sort through what you’re carrying and why it hits you so hard.

A Christian Perspective: Reflecting God’s Heart

As followers of Jesus, we’re invited to reflect His heart toward people who are hurting. He is both deeply moved by suffering and perfectly grounded in truth and love.

Jesus wept with those who grieved (empathy), and He also brought hope, healing, and guidance (compassion). He never lost Himself in the crowd’s emotions; instead, He often withdrew to pray and reconnect with the Father. That rhythm—moving toward people in love and then pulling away to be restored—is a pattern we can learn from.

If you are someone who feels deeply, you are not “too much.” Your sensitivity is a gift. The invitation is to learn how to steward that gift so it doesn’t burn you out, but instead becomes a channel of God’s love and compassion to others.

When You Need Help to Carry What You’re Carrying, Consider Therapy

If you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online counseling, and you recognize yourself in this—exhausted helper, deeply feeling friend, caregiving spouse or parent—you don’t have to sort this out alone.

Our Christian counselors at Life Discovery Counseling Services walk with people who:

• Feel overwhelmed by others’ pain
• Struggle with burnout, anxiety, or compassion fatigue
• Have a hard time setting boundaries without guilt
• Want to love like Jesus but don’t know how to do it sustainably

Together, we can help you:

• Understand your patterns of empathy and compassion
• Heal from what other people’s stories may have stirred up in you
• Learn practical, faith-integrated tools to stay grounded while you care for others

You’re allowed to care deeply and still be okay. You’re allowed to love others without losing yourself. If you’re ready to explore what that might look like in your life, we would be honored to walk alongside you.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Empathy vs. Compassion: Caring Deeply Without Burning Out first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

Understanding Your Struggles

It’s important to acknowledge that everyone faces difficulties in life. No one is immune to pain, disappointment, or uncertainty. Sometimes these challenges are visible, like a job loss or a health diagnosis. Other times, they’re hidden beneath the surface, manifesting as loneliness, anxiety, or a sense of purposelessness.

But you don’t have to carry these burdens alone. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s an act of courage and faith. At Life Discovery Counseling Services, our counselors are committed to integrating Biblical wisdom with proven clinical techniques. This approach honors your faith while providing you with the tools and support you need to move forward.

“I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.” — Psalm 16:7

Biblical counseling isn’t just about offering advice—it’s about walking alongside you, listening deeply, and helping you see your situation through the lens of God’s truth and grace. Jesus Himself modeled this approach, taking time to stop, listen, and respond to the true needs of those around Him.

Practical Steps for Moving Forward, Even When Times Are Tough

When life feels overwhelming, it’s easy to become paralyzed by fear or uncertainty. However, even the smallest steps can help you regain a sense of control and hope. Here are some practical ways to begin moving forward:

1. Reach Out to Trusted Friends or Family

Isolation can intensify feelings of despair. Sharing your burdens with someone you trust can lighten your load and provide much-needed perspective. Sometimes, simply voicing your struggles out loud can help you process your emotions and feel less alone. Consider:

• Calling a close friend or family member to talk about how you’re feeling.
• Asking for prayer or support from your church community.
• Attending a small group or Bible study for encouragement and accountability.

2. Consider Professional Counseling for Guidance

Seeking professional counseling is a powerful step toward healing. A Christian counselor can help you:

• Process your experiences and emotions in a safe, confidential environment.
• Identify the root causes of your distress.
• Develop a personalized plan of action rooted in scripture and evidence-based strategies.
• Learn new coping skills and ways to manage stress, anxiety, or depression.

Remember, counseling is not just for “crises.” Many people benefit from the support and insight a counselor provides, even in less intense seasons of life.

3. Reflect on Scripture and Prayer for Comfort and Direction

God’s Word is a wellspring of wisdom, comfort, and hope. Regularly spending time in scripture and prayer can:

• Remind you of God’s promises and faithfulness.
• Offer encouragement when you feel weary or discouraged.
• Help you see your situation from a new, hope-filled perspective.

Some passages to consider during difficult times include Psalm 23, Isaiah 41:10, Romans 8:28, and Philippians 4:6-7. Journaling your prayers or writing down meaningful verses can also help anchor your heart in truth.

4. Take Care of Your Physical and Emotional Health

Difficult times can take a toll on your body as well as your mind. Simple self-care practices can make a significant difference:

• Maintain a consistent sleep schedule.
• Eat nourishing foods and stay hydrated.
• Engage in gentle physical activity, such as walking or stretching.
• Allow yourself to rest and recharge, giving yourself grace for what you’re able to do each day.

5. Set Small, Achievable Goals

When life feels overwhelming, large tasks can seem impossible. Break your days into small, manageable steps:

• Make a short list of daily tasks and celebrate each accomplishment.
• Focus on what you can control, rather than what you can’t.
• Give yourself permission to take things one day at a time.

Integrating Faith and Evidence-Based Support

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we believe that true transformation involves both faith and practical action. Our therapy approach is rooted in the understanding that God cares about every part of your life—spiritual, emotional, and physical. Here’s how we integrate faith and evidence-based support:

Biblical Wisdom

The Bible offers timeless principles for hope, healing, and growth. We draw on scripture to encourage, guide, and empower you in your journey. God’s Word reminds us that we are never alone and that His love is steadfast, even when our circumstances change.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5:7

Clinical Expertise

Our counselors are trained in evidence-based techniques, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, solution-focused strategies, and mindfulness practices. These tools are effective for managing anxiety, depression, grief, and more. We help you:

• Identify unhelpful thought patterns and replace them with truth.
• Develop healthy coping skills for managing stress and emotions.
• Practice new behaviors that support your goals and values.

Personalized Care

Every person’s story is unique. We take the time to understand your individual needs, respecting your pace and honoring your faith journey. Whether you’re seeking support for yourself, your marriage, or your family, we tailor our approach to help you experience lasting change.

Faith and Science Working Together

We believe that faith and science are not at odds—they complement each other. God has given us both spiritual resources and practical wisdom to navigate life’s challenges. By integrating both, we offer a holistic approach to healing that addresses the whole person.

Inspiration and Action: Moving Forward with Hope

When you’re in the midst of a struggle, it’s easy to lose sight of hope. But hope is not just a feeling—it’s an active choice to trust that God is working, even when you can’t see the outcome. 

Consider these steps as you move forward:

• Take time to pray and ask God for guidance. Invite Him into your pain, your questions, and your uncertainty. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers—God promises to walk with you every step of the way.
• Reflect on what you’re experiencing and name your feelings honestly. Sometimes, simply acknowledging your emotions can bring relief and clarity. God welcomes your honesty and meets you right where you are.
• Reach out for support, whether through friends, family, or a counselor. You were not created to walk this journey alone. Community is a gift from God, and sharing your burdens can lighten the load.
• Set small, achievable goals each day. Progress may be slow, but every step forward is meaningful. Celebrate small victories and give yourself grace for setbacks.
• Return to scripture for encouragement. God’s promises are true, even when circumstances are hard. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 (“For I know the plans I have for you… plans to give you hope and a future”) remind us that God is always at work, even in the waiting.
• Practice gratitude, even in small ways. Noticing God’s faithfulness in everyday moments can shift your perspective and renew your hope.
• Allow yourself to rest. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to pause, breathe, and care for yourself along the way.

Hope & Encouragement for the Journey Ahead

You may feel stuck or hopeless right now, but remember—change is possible. With the right support, faith, and practical steps, you can experience real growth and renewed hope.

• You are not alone. God promises to be with you, even in the darkest valleys (Psalm 23:4).
• Small steps matter. Each act of reaching out, each prayer, and each moment of reflection brings you closer to healing.
• There is hope. No situation is beyond God’s ability to redeem and restore.

If you’re ready to take the next step, our team of Portland-area Christian therapists at Life Discovery Counseling Services is here to walk with you. Whether you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in the state, through online therapy in Oregon, we offer compassionate, faith-integrated counseling tailored to your needs.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” — John 1:5

Take the Next Step: Consider Christian Counseling Near Portland, OR

If you’re struggling and searching for hope, consider reaching out today. Our counselors are ready to listen, support, and help you discover the path to healing and renewed purpose. Remember, with faith and the right support, you can find hope—even in difficult times.

Ready to begin your journey toward hope and healing? Contact Life Discovery Counseling Services today to schedule a session with one of our compassionate Christian counselors. We’re here for you—every step of the way. Reach out to Life Discovery Counseling. We’re here to support you with Christian counseling in Portland, tailored to your needs. Together, we can help you achieve the spiritual growth and emotional wellness you deserve. Schedule an appointment now!

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Finding Hope in Difficult Times first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

It’s not all in your head

Pain. Just seeing the word may cause you to shudder. Maybe you’re in pain right now and that’s why you’re reading this blog post. The kind of pain you’re feeling has a physical dimension but it hasn’t resulted from a physical injury. No, the pain you’re feeling is emotional and/or relational pain. Though it’s no less tragic and debilitating than physical illness or injury, it can be harder to understand and resolve. This kind of pain involves heartache, disappointment, and disillusionment caused by relational and emotional wounds.

Give it a purpose

Regardless of how you’ve been emotionally or relationally hurt, you face the question of what to do with your pain? Ignore it? Grin and bear it? Just get over it? Soothe it? Complain about it? Find a lesson to learn from it? Blithely hope it will work out for good?

As unpleasant as it is, pain serves an important purpose: it draws attention. When you touch a hot stove, intense pain very quickly draws your attention to the situation and causes you to pull your hand away to avoid permanent damage. In that way, pain is good, not pleasant but good. Emotional and relational pain serves a similar purpose. They let you know that something important to you has been violated and is in need of your attention.

Unfortunately, too often we waste our emotional and relational pain. We fail to respond in a healthy way to the wounds that life inflicts on our souls. Pain doesn’t have to damage us and rob us of happiness. Instead, when we know how to address our pain, it can lead us toward a better life. 

So, how do you do that?

Using pain well

Well, it may sound too simple but it starts by making room for the pain! Allow pain to be an important part of your life. You don’t have to like pain for it to be important and even good. Making room for pain means allowing your body to respond as God made it to respond – with tears, sadness, regret, fear, anger, etc. Making room for these means saying to yourself, “This is an important part of being human. I can feel this.”

Secondly, responding well to pain involves diffusing or disempowering any unhelpful automatic thoughts that come to mind with the pain. This involves the skill of mindfulness or non-judgmental awareness. Many thoughts that course through our brains when we’re in pain are unhelpful interpretations or instructions we’ve picked up along the way in life, like…

“Buck up, you wimp.”

“Only weak people give in to pain.”

“You don’t deserve this.”

“You’re going to die!”

The practice of mindfulness brings a gentle, compassionate curiosity to your pain and explores its origins by asking Who, What, Where, When, and How questions (Why questions tend not to be as helpful):

“What was happening in my life when I felt the pain?”

“Who contributed to the painful situation?”

“When did it happen? When has it happened before?”

“Where in my body did I feel the pain?”

“How did the pain begin?”

More to the story

Sometimes distressing emotional and relational pain reaches deep into your backstory. Your body may be reminding you of the previous trauma you experienced. Or, perhaps relational survival habits you learned early in life are no longer adequate for your current life situation. When the pain you experience or the intensity of your response to the pain seems to go beyond the actual situation, your backstory may need exploration and resolution. You don’t have to be captive to past hurts.

Lastly, getting the most out of your pain involves clarifying your personal values. What’s your life on earth all about? What or who is most important to you? What’s worth living – or even dying – for? Pain has a way of clarifying your priorities! If you let it, pain can help you orient your life toward what matters most to you.

If you’re reading this because you are in pain, please know there is a way forward. Hope is available. 

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. Your life can feel less heavy. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Emotional and Relational Pain first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the fifth and final in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. The second post addressed the purpose of lament. The third post made the important connection between emotions and lament. The fourth post provided the process of lament.

You may be familiar with the song “The Waiting” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I know I am aging myself with the reference. But it is a song that remains culturally embedded because it’s so singable and relatable, the chorus in particular:

“The waiting is the hardest part

Everyday you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part”

“The Waiting” by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

I don’t know of anyone who would say, “Ooh, I love waiting.” Yet waiting is a primary catalyst for change! And waiting doesn’t mean a lethargic or passive approach to life either. Far from it. Waiting involves doing what is in your power to do and trusting the results to God. Of course, this may sound nice on paper but it’s quite different to live out, especially when life hurts. 

The Psalms teach you to lament, to give voice to your struggle as you trust and wait for God. In a hurry-up, get-it-done culture, this goes “against the tide.” It can be incredibly difficult to trust and wait when the culture around you offers option after option for easing your pain and increasing your comfort. Waiting for God seems absurd when a cacophony of voices both within and without screaming, “MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN!”

Here’s the rub: when you try to escape and find an easier more comfortable path, you lose.

Hope is the key to waiting patiently. At a most basic level, hope is the anticipation of something good. Think about it: if you know for certain something good will happen, you’re more likely to wait patiently, right? For as long as it takes. For example, when your favorite band is coming to town, or your favorite sports team is in the championship game, you’re willing to wait for a ticket to see them play. You’ll even camp out overnight. 

One particular psalm, Psalm 130, provides a compelling picture of patiently waiting in hope. “The psalmist connects waiting and hoping for God with the imagery of a sentry standing attentively in the utter darkness of night ready for potential enemy attacks. The sentry is diligently doing his job, but he’s also yearning and waiting for the hope of dawn.”

So you may be wondering: how do you wait in hope when it seems like everything inside you and around you is clamoring for you to make something happen? Well, that’s one of life’s great challenges! It’s a primary reason people like you seek counseling. A good counselor creates a safe haven and a secure base as discussed in the second post in this series. They also teach behavioral skills that help you defuse unhelpful thoughts, accept unwanted emotions, and gain clarity around your life goals and values. Each of these skills will help you wait patiently in hope. 

Here’s why this is so important: your capacity to wait in hope is directly connected to your experience of JOY when God brings change. Real joy. Not the cheap and temporary happiness that comes by escaping pain and trouble through cheap thrills. But rather a joy felt deep in your bones because it is a joy rooted in a rescue you could not arrange on your own. Please understand, this kind of joy does not originate from better a circumstance (though circumstances may indeed change for the better). Joy comes from an awareness of God’s grace, mercy, and goodness.

Ready to give it a try?

Here’s good news: opportunities to practice waiting are readily available all around you! You can train yourself by choosing them: choose the slower lane of traffic, the slower check-out line at the store, the lane with the most cars at the stoplight, and so on. Actively choose and then notice the thoughts and feelings that bubble up inside you. Talk to God about those thoughts and feelings (you know, lament!). Declare your trust in God and your willingness to wait in hope for his provision. Getting better at waiting for small things will help you wait for the big things in life.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament (here)

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your life and relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Hope and Waiting in Lament: Part 5 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the fourth in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. The second post addressed the purpose of lament. The third post made the important connection between emotions and lament. This post provides the process of lament.

What Provokes Emotion?

As I’m sure you’re aware, emotions can be provoked by pretty much anything in everyday life. Maybe you can relate to these examples:

• A friend makes a critical comment and you feel hurt or angry or anxious.
• Your spouse gives you a compliment and you feel happy.
• A co-worker receives an award and you feel jealous.
• You get laid off from your job and you feel sad and scared.

Of course, the same life events could provoke entirely different emotions in you than they do in others. This isn’t about “right” emotions or “wrong” emotions. Emotions simply are. I’m not saying you have to like feeling them. I’m inviting you to value them and make room for them, especially the uncomfortable ones like anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, shame, despair, and disgust. 

What Our Emotions Reveal

But feeling these feelings is hard, isn’t it? They give you a sense of feeling out of control and going in a direction you don’t want to go. Part of you says something is wrong with you when you feel these feelings. Am I right?

So you may wonder, “What good can come from feeling these emotions?” Well, for starters, they let you know what you really believe about your circumstances – not what you say you believe, but your actual lived-out belief. And when you’re honest with yourself (and others) about your lived-out belief, you are in a position to examine what’s most important to you. Then you can act on your chosen values rather than merely reacting to what’s going on around you. In other words, you become empowered.

So what do these uncomfortable emotions reveal? Here’s a basic starting point for understanding¹:

• Anger reveals injustice. Something’s not “right” (and how you determine what’s right).
• Sadness reveals loss. Something important to you has been or could be lost.
• Jealousy reveals longing. You desire more from life than you currently have.
• Shame reveals identity. You rely upon something to determine your value.
• Despair reveals goals. You want to accomplish something that feels impossible.
• Disgust reveals beauty. An ideal that delights you has been marred or tainted.

As you can hopefully see, these emotions can help you discover more about who you are, what you value, and who you want to become. Talking them through with trusted others (like your counselor) is important. Talking to God about them – lamenting – is also crucial. 

How to Talk About Difficult Emotions With God

So what does lament involve? Well, the basic structure of lament psalms can help “mentor” you through the process of lament when something in your life doesn’t make sense and provokes one of these emotions. These psalms address disorienting experiences relationally with God. As I touched on in the first blog post in this series, lament psalms follow a basic form:

• Plea
  • Addressed to God
  • Offers a complaint
  • Asks for help
• Praise
  • Expresses faith in being heard
  • Rehearses what’s true of God (even though it may not feel true)

The psalms communicate an open posture toward God and a confidence that He is near. By writing and reading both the biblical psalms and your own, you invite God to examine you and teach you through his Spirit. Many of the lament psalms take something that God says is true and wrestle with it. “God, you say you are near, but I don’t feel it. Where are you?” When this is understood through the lens of attachment, the very process of struggle strengthens the relationship bond. God’s invitation through the psalms is to find rest in His character and provision. The picture Jesus paints in Matthew 11:28-30 illustrates God’s receptive heart when we come to Him with our troubles.

¹To learn more about what emotions reveal, I recommend the book Why Emotions Matter by Tristen and Jonathan Collins

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament (here)
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Process of Lament: Part 4 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the third in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. The second post addressed the purpose of lament. This post makes the important connection between emotions and lament. 

Your Emotional Type

If you’re like many people, you have a love/hate relationship with emotions. On the one hand, emotions let you know you’re alive and really living. On the other hand, emotions provoke pain and confusion. Depending on which side of the equation you fall, you approach emotions from a different perspective. 

Maybe you’re the type of person who mistrusts emotion. You see being emotional as a sign of weakness and instead value the ability to stay calm and level-headed. You may even have trouble identifying your emotions. Sure you might feel “off” sometimes – extra tired, easily annoyed, restless – but you don’t connect these experiences to emotions (hint: they are connected).

Or maybe you’re the type of person for whom emotions are pretty much everything. You experience emotions vividly and they drive your words and actions. You trust your emotions (and their intensity) to tell you the truth about what’s really going on in a situation and how you should respond (hint: they often don’t).

Handling of Emotion

No matter which end of the spectrum you find yourself (likely somewhere in between) eventually your emotions will confound you. Your struggle with emotions is likely found in the difficulty of controlling them and making them do what you want them to. But you’ve found that trying to control emotions is like trying to capture air in your hands. Maybe you’ve decided it’s easier not to feel at all, only to discover that you’ve lost the motivation to engage in the world around you.

Perhaps you try to control your emotions so that you only feel the “good” ones, like happiness, peace, contentment, and satisfaction. Along the same lines, you try hard not to feel the “bad” ones like anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, shame, despair, and disgust. You may not realize that suppressing one kind of emotion suppresses all emotion. Controlling, avoiding, denying, and suppressing emotions are ultimately failed strategies that lead to all kinds of mental and physical illness. And the path to health often involves coming to terms with the emotions we are feeling and their mental and physical origins.

Counselors understand that emotions are an important part of what it means to be human…all emotions. Rather than trying to control emotions, a counselor will help you listen to them. When you do, emotions will tell you what’s important to you in a given situation.

Emotions and God

The Christian counselor also understands that emotions have a vertical dimension. They tell you what you are doing with God in a situation. Because counselors understand this, they can help you give your emotions honest consideration and exploration.

As you do this together, you learn that emotions are not only the bridge between your body and soul, they are the bridge between souls. In other words, emotions can help you not only understand yourself, but to share your true self with others.

But let’s face it, all emotions may be created equally but some are more difficult than others. The darker emotions – anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, shame, despair, and disgust – are difficult to experience and to express to others. And we don’t have many examples of what it looks like to do so in a healthy manner. Learning to lament to God with these emotions can help you come to terms with them. Feeling accepted and  “felt” by God can, in turn, give you the courage to bring your true self to others in your life so you can experience authentic relationships.

Sharing Emotions With God

The psalms of lament cover a wide range of emotional expression. But if you’re like many Christians, you learned to read them non-emotionally (as if that is somehow more reverent). The psalms are poetry and, as such, are fueled by emotion. They have their intended effect when you bring your emotions to them and together with them reveal your true self to God.

You can do this in one of two ways: (1) when you feel a particular emotion, find a psalm that matches that emotion, or (2) allow yourself to feel the feeling of the particular psalm you happen to be reading. 

Ready to give it a try?

I invite you to enter into the imaginative space with God you learned in post #2. When you get to the part about sharing your lament, read the excerpts below while imagining yourself feeling the emotion fully in God’s presence. Then complete the exercise. Do this separately for each emotion.

Anger –

Psalm 35 “O Lord, stand against those who stand against me. Fight those who fight me. ² Take hold of a safe-covering and rise up to help me. ³ Take a spear and battle-ax against those who come to get me.”

Despair –

Psalm 142 “Look to the right and see. For there is no one who thinks about me. There is no place for me to go to be safe. No one cares about my soul.”

Jealousy –

Psalm 73 “For sure God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. ² But as for me, my feet came close to falling. My steps had almost tripped. ³ For I was jealous of the proud when I saw that all was going well with the sinful.”

Exhaustion –

Psalm 61 “Hear my cry, O God. Listen to my prayer. ² I call to You from the end of the earth when my heart is weak.”

Fear –

Psalm 55 My heart is in pain within me. The fears of death have come upon me. ⁵ I have begun shaking with fear. Fear has power over me. ⁶ And I say, “If only I had wings like a dove, I would fly away and be at rest. ⁷ Yes, I would go far away. I would live in the desert. ⁸ I would hurry to my safe place, away from the wild wind and storm.”

Sorrow –

Psalm 6 I am tired of crying inside myself. All night long my pillow is wet with tears. I flood my bed with them. ⁷ My eye has grown weak with sorrow.

Shame –

Psalm 90 For we are burned up by Your anger. By Your anger we are troubled and afraid. ⁸ You have set our wrong-doing before You, our secret sins in the light of Your face. ⁹ For all our days pass away in Your anger. We finish our years with a quiet cry.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament (here)
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your life can fully thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to God and the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues,anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Emotions and Lament: Part 3 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is the second in a series of posts on lament. The first post addressed the importance of lament. This post introduces the purpose of lament. 

Responding to Lament

When you’re having a bad moment, a bad day, or in the case of 2020, a bad year, how do you respond? Likely, one basic reaction is to look for someone with whom you can safely share your distress. You want someone to be with you, to “get” you, and maybe even rescue you from the pain, right? For many, this most basic reaction is also directed toward God.

Sadly, a second reaction often follows on the heels of the first reaction: recoiling in fear. What will the person (or God) think of me? Will they reject me?

As a human being, you deeply need connection with others. This craving for connection is designed into you and begins the moment you take your first breath. Initially, your parents were likely the ones who met this need.

If you grew up in a stable, loving home, over time your parents became a safe haven and a secure base for you to explore your world, other people in your world, and the God who created the world. Maybe, for some reason, you did not adequately experience the safe haven and secure base you needed. As we all know, even the best parents are far from perfect, and some are sadly even harmful. 

Created for Connection

Attachment is a word counselors use for this necessary relational connection. As Megan Coggins wonderfully introduced in a series of blog posts, attachment researchers have identified 4 different kinds of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Research has thankfully shown that an attachment style is not permanent. With help, anyone can experience a “learned secure attachment” with others and with God. Counseling provides an important means to learn secure attachment. 

You see, the counseling process creates a temporary relational attachment bond through which you can work out your attachment needs. The counselor provides a safe haven and a secure base necessary for a secure attachment.

Connection and Lament

In addition, a Christian counselor would also facilitate your attachment relationship with God, the most important ingredient for your happiness and satisfaction in life. One way to understand this attachment bond is through the lens of emotions and the concept of “feeling felt” by another person. Someone not only listens to you, but they are in tune with you and feel what you’re feeling. Such encounters actually rewire your brain and create new neurological pathways for more healthy living.

This idea of feeling felt may sound attractive when the emotions are the ones you prefer, like happiness, contentment, and comfort. However, attachment is most strengthened when you connect with another person and experience their acceptance while feeling distressing emotions. This is especially true when it comes to God. This is the purpose of lament: to feel felt by God while experiencing distressing emotions.

If you’re like many people, you engage God (or the idea of God) in a rational, thinking manner.

You possess information about God rather than experiencing a relationship with God. When you read or hear a Bible verse like Isaiah 30:18: “Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion,” you may think of it as true even as you suspect (and feel) that God is disappointed in you.

Your emotional and relational perspective of God is shaped by your relationship with your parents. Subsequently, an important part of maturing spiritually, relationally, and emotionally comes from interacting with God as the perfect parent (Hebrews 12:5-9). He is your perfect safe haven and secure base (Psalm 91). You can go to him with confidence, even with your pain, struggle, and confusion (Hebrews 4:14-16).

A Practical Exercise

In the first post in this series, I invited you to write a lament using Psalm 13 as a guide. You can build on that exercise by adding an imaginative element to it¹: 

Find a quiet place where you will not be distracted or interrupted. Allow yourself to be in a comfortable posture, with your eyes closed. Take a deep breath and begin to imagine yourself in a physical environment that is peaceful and calm. Next, allow yourself to sense God’s presence. There is no right or wrong way for him to appear or be revealed. You may even perceive his physicality to the point of being in bodily form. Imagine him welcoming you as your perfect parent. He embodies everything good your parents did for you and more. He embodies everything good you wish your parents would have done and more. Now, imagine sharing your lament with him. Imagine him receiving it with compassion and comforting you with his concern. Hear him assure you that he will provide for your needs. 

¹ This exercise is adapted from the book Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson M.D.

Next, imagine hearing God clearly say to you directly, by name, “You are my child. I love you. I am so pleased with you.” Sense, if you can, God looking you directly in the eyes as he says these words. Do not turn away from his gaze. Do not resist his voice. Allow yourself to be in his presence. Do not leave this place in your mind quickly. What do you feel? What do you feel God feeling as he looks with tenderness and strength into the windows of your soul?

¹ This exercise is adapted from the book Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson M.D.

Remember that people have different reactions to this exercise. There is in fact no right response, only a true one. I invite you to practice this meditation—it may take only a few minutes—each day for six weeks. If you do, remember that you are not simply engaging with some abstract dimension of your mind; you are in fact, changing the neural networks of your brain. Practically, this exercise may lead you to a deep awareness of being known and cared for by your Heavenly Father. Initially, this may take place only during the meditation. Eventually, however, you will find that you can quickly access the positive images, feelings, sensations, and words you hear during moments of discomfort in everyday life, altering your response to an anxiety-provoking event.

¹ This exercise is adapted from the book Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson M.D.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament
2. Purpose of Lament (Here)
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY WITH A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR IN HILLSBORO, OR

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Purpose of Lament: Part 2 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

If you’re like most people, you consider seeing a counselor when something isn’t working in life. The problem you face may be internal, like depression or anxiety. Or it could be external, like a difficult relationship or an overwhelming life circumstance. The problem persists even though you’ve tried everything you know to fix the problem. Doubt and disappointment begin to cloud your horizon as you look at the future.

A Good Christian Counselor

A good Christian counselor will meet you right where you are with acceptance, empathy, and understanding. A counseling relationship can provide a sense of hope which leads to more flexible thinking about the past, present, and future.

Rather than solving your problems, the counselor provides a safe relational environment and a healing presence. With their help, you learn you can “bear the unbearable” as they bear it with you.

A Christian Counselor

A Christian counselor understands that God’s Spirit is the primary Helper and Healer in the counseling room. As such, the counselor invites you to relate in two directions: “horizontally” with the counselor and “vertically” with God.

This is particularly important with your expression of emotions. As I will explore in the 3rd part of this series, emotions are like the lights on the dashboard of your car letting you know that something is going on in the “engine” of your soul. Though emotions are often provoked by horizontal relationships and life experiences, ultimately they reveal what you believe about God.

The Bible makes it clear that God wants a relationship with you. His promise repeated over and over is, “I am with you.” But let’s be honest, it’s a promise that’s hard to believe when life hurts.

Lament Has Purpose

Maybe you struggle with experiencing and expressing emotion. If so, you’re not alone. Most people do. This is especially true with the “darker” emotions like fear, anger, grief, despair, jealousy, and loneliness. These emotions tend to dominate when life gets overwhelming. Christian counseling provides a place to explore these difficult emotions in a safe horizontal relationship.

A Christian counselor will also encourage you to express those emotions to God. When you do so, you participate in what are called prayers of lament or complaint. Laments are found all through the Bible, including from the lips of Jesus. The Psalms in particular give us many voices of lament.

The process of lament is crucial for the same reason emotional expression and validation are vital in horizontal relationships: it is the deep longing of every human to be known and accepted. When you share your difficult emotions and experiences with another, including God, you open yourself to receiving consolation. When you keep them to yourself, your suffering increases because you were not meant to bear your burdens alone.

Biblical Understanding of Lament

If you want to understand lament, Psalm 13 serves as a “primer.” The first 2 verses express an honest expression of emotion resulting from painful circumstances. The second 2 verses beg God to respond. The last 2 verses pledge trust in God no matter the circumstance.

Each of these sections is an important aspect of lament, and participating in lament requires more than a  “one and done” effort. Rather, it involves an ongoing process that keeps your heart open in relationship with God through unpleasant experiences. In other words, it helps solidify a relational attachment bond with God that is vital for any life-giving relationship.

Perhaps you are reading this because you are in the middle of a difficult life situation. Perhaps you are wondering, “Where is God when life hurts so much?” An important step might be to write out a lament that expresses your pain and confusion to God using Psalm 13 as a guide and template.

Learn More About Lament

You can also learn more in the following posts in our 5-part series on lament:

1. Importance of Lament (Here)
2. Purpose of Lament
3. Emotions and Lament
4. Process of Lament
5. Hope and Waiting in Lament

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post The Importance of Lament: Part 1 of 5 first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

“Why are you being so emotional?”

“I can’t believe you’re just standing there, do you have a heart at all?”

“Whoa, you don’t have to get so angry!”

“Emotions just get in the way of everything.”

Let’s face it, we all understand emotions differently. For some, emotions are everything; for others, they are merely a bother. And often, two people on the opposite side of the emotional spectrum find each other and get married! “She is so dynamic and alive!” marries “He is the calm in my storm.” Or “His passion inspires me!” marries “She never gets ruffled.”

And then what happens? They subtly – or maybe not so subtly – start trying to change the very thing that attracted them to each other.

Sadly, many times their efforts work; they damage each other and then wonder what became of the wonderful person they married. Simply put, navigating emotional differences is a vital part of a thriving marriage. So how do we do that?

First, we need to understand emotions

At one level, emotions are mere neurological and chemical processes in our bodies, a part of our autonomic nervous and endocrine systems. Our brains constantly monitor our environments looking for actual or potential pleasures and dangers. We share these systems with many species in the animal kingdom.

But we humans are far more than mere physical bodies, we are living souls in a way that other animals are not. Emotions are designed into us to connect us with ourselves, with each other, and with our Creator. 

When we look at emotions through both physical and spiritual lenses, we can understand them in a “soul diagnostic” kind of way. Like the lights on the dashboard of a car letting us know something is going on in the engine, emotions let us know that something is going on in our body and soul. When we feel angry, we can know that we’re experiencing a sense of injustice. When we’re sad, we’re experiencing a sense of loss. When we’re happy, we’re experiencing a sense of congruency. And so on.

In other words, emotions let us know whether or not our deepest needs are being met. What needs? Core human desires for such things as support, affirmation, flexibility, companionship, and intimacy.

Next, we need to use emotions as the language of relationship

In relationships, couples often get caught up in repeated patterns of reacting to each other emotionally without realizing that they each are wanting their needs met. A “triggering event” of some kind exposes a core need and provokes an automatic emotional reaction in one or both partners. Couples often get stuck in emotional reactions rather than talking about the underlying needs.

The bad news: this happens with every couple!

The good news: understanding this process can help us change what we do when it happens.

Change starts by first slowing down the emotional reactivity process. One or both partners tune in to their own and then the other’s emotions. Often this means taking at least a few minutes for a “time out” to create space to feel, recognize, and name emotions and then consider what core needs might feel unmet or threatened.

Next, using a communication approach like the Gottman Rapaport, the couple takes the time to speak, listen, empathize, and validate each other and each other’s needs.

Lastly, the couple can do what loving partners do: seek to meet each other’s needs!

What this looks like in couples therapy or marriage counseling

For example, let’s take a life situation that can easily go haywire for couples:

• Partner #1 arrives home after a long day of work followed by picking up the kids (who are, of course, very cranky). About 10 minutes later, partner #2 arrives home also after a long day of work.
• Partner #1 (after changing into workout clothes): “You got dinner tonight, right?”
• Partner #2: “No, I’m meeting Jessie in 15 minutes, remember?”
• P#1: “No, that was supposed to be tomorrow. You know I always work out on Mondays.”
• P#2: “Usually, yes, but remember I told you about Jessie last week because that was the only evening we could meet.”

Can you feel the potential for tension even in this brief interaction? This couple could easily get into an argument over the details of the situation and ruin their entire evening.

Variations of this argument might happen over and over with destructive impact. A couple with a strong relationship will create a quick compromise to the immediate conflict. Later, they will value each other and the relationship by taking time to talk through the situation using the process described above. They will give each other time and attention to share their feelings of anger, impatience, or exhaustion. They will ask what needs the emotions reveal: such things as support, trust, friendship, and exercise. They would then work cooperatively to explore tangible ways to meet each other’s needs in the future.

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About Shane, the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Understanding and Working With Emotions: Christian Therapy Tips for Couples in Oregon first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.