Healthy communication is the heartbeat of every strong marriage. When couples communicate well, they foster trust, deepen intimacy, and navigate life’s challenges together. At Life Discovery Counseling Services, serving Clackamas, Beaverton, and all of Oregon through online therapy, we believe that with faith and practical skills, every couple can grow in connection and understanding. Let’s explore why communication matters, common roadblocks, biblical principles, and actionable tools to help your marriage thrive.

Why Communication Matters in Marriage

Communication is more than just exchanging words—it’s about sharing your heart, listening with empathy, and building a foundation of trust. When spouses communicate openly and honestly, they:

• Resolve conflicts more effectively
• Feel understood and valued
• Strengthen emotional and physical intimacy
• Build resilience against life’s inevitable stresses

Poor communication, on the other hand, can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and distance. That’s why investing in your communication skills is one of the most loving things you can do for your marriage.

Common Communication Roadblocks

Even the most devoted couples encounter obstacles in communication. Some of the most common roadblocks include:

• Assumptions and mind-reading: Expecting your spouse to know what you’re thinking without expressing it clearly.
• Interrupting or not listening: Focusing on your response instead of truly hearing your partner.
• Defensiveness: Responding to feedback with excuses or counterattacks.
• Stonewalling or shutting down: Withdrawing emotionally or physically during conflict.
• Harsh or critical words: Using language that tears down rather than builds up.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healthier, more Christ-centered communication.

Biblical Principles for Healthy Communication

Scripture offers timeless wisdom for how we speak and listen to one another in marriage. Here are a few guiding principles:

• Speak kindly and gently: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” — Ephesians 4:29
• Listen before you speak: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” — James 1:19
• Resolve conflicts quickly: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” — Ephesians 4:26
• Speak the truth in love: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” — Ephesians 4:15
• Encourage one another: “Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” — 1 Thessalonians 5:11

At the core of these principles is selflessness—putting your spouse’s needs above your own and seeking their good, just as Christ loves the church.

Practical Tools: Active Listening, “I” Statements, and Conflict Resolution

Effective communication in marriage isn’t just about what you say—it’s also about how you say it and how you listen. Here are some practical tools to help you communicate with grace and clarity:

Active Listening

• Give your spouse your full attention—put away distractions and make eye contact.
• Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure understanding: “What I hear you saying is…”
• Ask open-ended questions to invite deeper sharing.
• Respond with empathy, even if you don’t fully agree.

Using “I” Statements

• Express your feelings and needs without blaming:
  • Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.”
• “I” statements reduce defensiveness and invite collaboration.

Healthy Conflict Resolution

• Address issues promptly—don’t let resentment build.
• Stay focused on the issue at hand, not past grievances.
• Take breaks if emotions run high, and return to the conversation when calm.
• Seek forgiveness and offer grace, remembering Colossians 3:13:
  “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Integrating Prayer and Faith in Marital Conversations

Bringing faith into your communication can transform your marriage. Here’s how:

• Pray together before difficult conversations. Ask God for wisdom, patience, and understanding.
• Invite the Holy Spirit to guide your words and attitudes.
• Share scripture that encourages and uplifts.
• Pray for your spouse, especially when you’re frustrated or hurt.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5-6

Couples who pray together often report greater unity, deeper intimacy, and more resilience in the face of challenges.

When to Seek Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling

Sometimes, communication challenges persist despite your best efforts. It may be time to seek professional help if you notice:

• Frequent arguments that never get resolved
• Emotional or physical withdrawal
• Persistent feelings of hurt, resentment, or loneliness
• Difficulty discussing important topics without conflict
• Repeating the same patterns without progress

Christian couples counseling provides a safe, supportive space to learn new skills, heal past hurts, and grow together in faith and love. At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we offer compassionate, faith-integrated counseling in Clackamas, Beaverton, and online throughout Oregon.

Encouragement and Next Steps

Improving communication in marriage is a journey, not a destination. Every couple faces challenges, but with humility, grace, and a willingness to grow, you can build a marriage that reflects Christ’s love. Remember:

• Small changes can make a big difference.
• God is for your marriage and will guide you as you seek Him together.
• You are not alone—help and hope are available.

“Let all that you do be done in love.” — 1 Corinthians 16:14

Are you ready to strengthen your marriage and deepen your connection?

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we’re here to walk with you every step of the way. Whether you’re in Clackamas, Beaverton, or anywhere in Oregon through online therapy, our team offers faith-based counseling tailored to your unique journey.

Contact us today to schedule a couples therapy session and discover how Christian communication skills can transform your marriage. Real change starts with a single conversation.

About the Author: Therapist Aaron Potratz

Aaron Potratz is Co-Owner of Life Discovery Counseling Services, and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He supervises the counseling staff, writes occasionally for the blog, and provides trainings.

The post Strengthening Marriages: Communication Skills from a Christian Perspective first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

1. Foster Open and Honest Communication

Good communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to “speak the truth in love.” This principle of honesty, delivered with kindness, can transform how couples relate and understand each other. Open communication involves not only expressing thoughts and feelings but also listening actively and empathetically.

Practical Tip: Set aside a regular time for a “check-in” conversation each week. During this time, create a safe space to share concerns, express appreciation, or discuss any unresolved issues. Practice active listening by giving each other undivided attention, maintaining eye contact, and reframing your partner’s statements to ensure you understand their feelings and perspectives.

2. Embrace the Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a critical element in marriage. Colossians 3:13 reminds us to “forgive one another if any of you has a grievance,” as Christ has forgiven us. Holding onto resentment can erode trust and intimacy, while choosing to forgive allows healing and reconnection.

Practical Tip: Develop a habit of immediate forgiveness, even for minor issues. When an offense occurs, communicate it calmly, expressing how it made you feel. Then, work toward forgiving the hurt by remembering your spouse’s intentions and asking for God’s strength and guidance. For more significant issues, consider prayer together, asking God to soften both of your hearts and lead you toward genuine forgiveness and resolution.

3. Cultivate Mutual Support and Encouragement

Supporting each other’s dreams, goals, and struggles strengthens your partnership and fosters resilience. Galatians 6:2 tells us to “carry each other’s burdens,” and this practice of mutual support is essential in marriage. Being each other’s cheerleader helps create an atmosphere of trust and positivity, reminding both partners that they’re not alone in facing life’s challenges.

Practical Tip: Create a routine where each partner shares one goal or challenge they’re working on and encourage each other to pursue it. Offer practical support—whether it’s helping with tasks, praying together, or celebrating each other’s progress. These small gestures demonstrate commitment and remind each other of the strength of your bond.

4. Prioritize Quality Time Together

Making time for one another is crucial to maintaining a strong connection. In our busy lives, it’s easy to let quality time slip away. Mark 6:31 says, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest,” reminding us of the importance of setting aside time for renewal. This applies to marriage as well; spending intentional time together strengthens intimacy and understanding.

Practical Tip: Schedule a weekly or bi-weekly “date night” where you can reconnect, relax, and have fun together. It doesn’t have to be elaborate—a quiet evening at home, a walk in a nearby park, or a coffee date can serve as an opportunity to deepen your bond and enjoy each other’s presence.

5. Seek Christian Couples Counseling 

Sometimes, it helps to have the support and guidance of a trained counselor. Christian marriage counseling provides a faith-based approach, combining Biblical principles with psychological insights to help couples build a stronger, more resilient relationship. A counselor can offer practical tools, help you uncover communication barriers, and provide a safe space to address any challenges you may be facing.

Practical Tip: If you feel that unresolved issues are causing friction in your relationship, consider seeking Christian counseling together. Counseling doesn’t signify failure but rather a proactive step toward strengthening your marriage and building a future grounded in faith, understanding, and mutual support.

Christian Counseling for Marriage Near Portland 

Marriage is a journey of growth, forgiveness, and love. By practicing open communication, embracing forgiveness, supporting each other, prioritizing quality time, and seeking guidance through Christian counseling, couples can build a lasting, joyful relationship. At Life Discovery Counseling, we’re here to provide compassionate support, offering Christian counseling for marriage to couples near Portland who seek to enhance their bond through both faith and proven psychological practices.

Reach out to us today if you’re ready to deepen your connection and strengthen your marriage. Whether you’re navigating challenges or simply looking to enrich your relationship, we’re here to guide you with faith-centered insights and practical tools for a thriving marriage.

The post Christian Counseling for Marriage: Practical Tips for Strengthening Your Bond first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we understand that communication is the heartbeat of a healthy relationship. It’s what connects you, helps you resolve conflicts, and allows you to share your hopes and dreams with each other. However, it’s no secret that effective communication can be tricky. You might find yourselves misinterpreting each other, feeling unheard, or getting stuck in the same old arguments. But don’t worry. You’re not alone, and there are ways to work through these common communication issues together.

Understanding Common Communication Issues

1. Misunderstandings: One of the biggest barriers to effective communication is misunderstanding. You might say something with good intentions, but it gets interpreted differently by your partner. This often leads to hurt feelings and unnecessary conflict.
2. Avoidance: Sometimes, one or both partners might avoid difficult conversations altogether. Whether it’s fear of conflict, not wanting to hurt each other, or simply feeling overwhelmed, avoidance can build up tension and lead to bigger issues down the road.
3. Stonewalling: This is when one partner emotionally withdraws from the conversation. You might feel like shutting down when things get heated, but this can leave the other partner feeling ignored and frustrated.
4. Criticism and Defensiveness: If one partner feels criticized, they may respond defensively, which only escalates the conflict. It’s a cycle that can be hard to break without conscious effort.
5. Lack of Active Listening: It’s easy to hear the words being spoken without truly listening to the meaning behind them. Active listening is crucial for understanding your partner’s feelings and needs.

Strategies for Effective Communication

1. Practice Active Listening: Make a conscious effort to listen to your partner. This means putting down your phone, making eye contact, and really paying attention to what they’re saying. After they finish speaking, summarize what you heard to ensure you understand. This simple technique can work wonders in fostering connection.
2. Use “I” Statements: When discussing feelings or concerns, frame your statements with “I” instead of “you.” For example, say “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always…” This helps express your feelings without placing blame, making it easier for your partner to respond positively.
3. Create a Safe Space for Conversations: Establish an environment where both partners feel safe expressing their thoughts and feelings. This may involve setting ground rules for discussions, such as no interrupting or raising voices. It’s essential for both partners to know they can share openly without fear of judgment.
4. Take Breaks When Needed: If a conversation becomes too heated, don’t hesitate to take a break. Agree on a time to come back to the discussion when you’re both calmer. This can prevent escalation and allow for more productive communication.
5. Be Vulnerable: It’s okay to be vulnerable with each other. Share your fears, insecurities, and needs. Vulnerability fosters intimacy and understanding, allowing your partner to see where you’re coming from.
6. Seek Professional Guidance: Sometimes, despite our best efforts, communication issues persist. Seeking couples counseling can provide you with the tools and strategies needed to break through those barriers. At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we offer a supportive space to explore your communication patterns and learn new ways to connect.

Building Stronger Connections

Effective communication is the foundation of a thriving relationship. While every couple faces challenges, recognizing common communication issues and working through them together can strengthen your bond. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. Celebrate the small victories along the way!

Start Working With a Couples Therapist in Hillsboro, OR

At Life Discovery Counseling Services, we’re here to support you on this journey. Whether you’re navigating misunderstandings, working through avoidance, or simply wanting to deepen your connection, our team is dedicated to helping you grow as a couple. Don’t hesitate to reach out for guidance and support. Together, we can help you build the loving, open, and communicative relationship you deserve! You can start your therapy journey with our team of caring therapists by following these simple steps:

1. Reach out to us for more information or to schedule an appointment
2. Meet with a trained caring therapist
3. Start creating healthier communication patterns!

Other Services Offered with Life Discovery Counseling Services

Our team is happy to offer support for a variety of mental health concerns. In addition to things like family therapy, we are happy to also offer support from a number of locations. If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, Hillsboro, or Beaverton, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Other services offered include support for children in counseling, depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy, PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

The post Common Communication Issues in Couples and How to Work Through Them first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting definition: The deliberate use of manipulation to cause someone to question their perceptions, memories, and reality, often leaving them feeling isolated and powerless.

Gaslighting is a term used to describe a manipulative tactic where one person intentionally distorts the truth to make another person question their own reality. It often involves the gaslighter denying or twisting events, shifting blame, and making the victim feel confused or insecure. The goal is to undermine the victim’s confidence, making them dependent on the gaslighter for emotional validation.

Recognizing Gaslighting in Relationships

Identifying gaslighting in a relationship can be challenging because the manipulation is often subtle and progressive. However, there are some clear signs to watch for:

• Frequent denial of past events: The gaslighter may insist that certain conversations or situations never occurred, making you doubt your own memory.
• Twisting the truth: They may distort facts or change the narrative to paint themselves as the victim or to avoid responsibility.
• Blame shifting: Gaslighters often deflect accountability by blaming you for their actions, leaving you feeling guilty for their behavior.
• Diminishing your feelings: They might downplay your emotions, calling you “too sensitive” or “overreacting” to further confuse and invalidate you.
• Isolation: Gaslighters may try to isolate you from friends and family to increase your dependency on them.

If you notice these behaviors in a relationship, it may be time to seek support to break free from the cycle of manipulation.

The Effects of Gaslighting

The long-term effects of gaslighting can be devastating. Victims may experience:

• Loss of self-confidence as they begin to doubt their ability to perceive reality correctly.
• Chronic anxiety and depression, stemming from the constant feeling of being “wrong” or inadequate.
• Emotional exhaustion from walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid conflict or criticism.
• Spiritual disconnection, as the manipulation creates confusion and guilt, making it difficult to feel grounded in faith and purpose.

Overcoming Gaslighting through Christian Counseling

Healing from gaslighting requires emotional, psychological, and spiritual support. At Life Discovery Counseling, our faith-based approach integrates Christian principles with evidence-based therapeutic practices to provide holistic healing. Here’s how Christian counseling can help:

Restoring Your Sense of Truth

Gaslighting undermines your ability to trust your own thoughts and feelings. In Christian counseling, we help you rebuild confidence by validating your experiences and guiding you to understand the truth. Through prayer and scripture, you can anchor yourself in God’s truth, which is unwavering and unchanging.

Tip: Meditate on verses like John 8:32, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free,” as a reminder that God’s truth can help you break free from manipulation.

Reconnecting with Your Identity in Christ

Gaslighting often erodes your sense of self-worth. Christian counseling focuses on reconnecting you with your identity in Christ—reminding you that you are deeply loved, valued, and worthy. By grounding yourself in this unshakable truth, you can reclaim your confidence and self-esteem.

Encouragement: Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus.” You are a unique creation, made with purpose and value, no matter what others may try to make you believe.

Setting Boundaries and Rebuilding Healthy Relationships

One of the most powerful tools in overcoming gaslighting is setting healthy boundaries. Christian counseling can help you establish clear emotional and relational boundaries to protect yourself from further manipulation. Additionally, you’ll learn how to surround yourself with supportive individuals who uplift and respect you.

Tip: Begin practicing saying “no” when something doesn’t feel right, and seek relationships that foster mutual respect and trust.

Finding Spiritual Healing

Gaslighting can shake your sense of faith and create feelings of shame or doubt. Through Christian counseling, you can explore these spiritual wounds and find healing. By drawing closer to God in prayer, worship, and Bible study, you can strengthen your relationship with Him and find peace and clarity.

Encouragement: Psalm 147:3 reminds us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” God is the ultimate healer, capable of mending even the deepest emotional and spiritual scars.

Oregon Gaslighting Counseling

At Life Discovery Counseling, we are here to help you restore your sense of truth, reclaim your identity in Christ, and find emotional and spiritual healing. Serving the communities of Portland, Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, Hillsboro, and Beaverton, Oregon, we offer compassionate Christian counseling to guide you through this journey.

If you or someone you know is experiencing gaslighting, reach out to us for support. Through the power of faith and therapy, we can help you break free from manipulation and walk confidently in the truth of God’s love.

The post Understanding and Overcoming Gaslighting through Christian Counseling Insights first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

One of his key areas of expertise is working with clients who have one parent born in the United States and the other from Asia, particularly Japan or Korea, but also including other Asian countries. James’s unique background and understanding of these cultural dynamics allow him to offer tailored support as a therapist to families navigating the complexities of bicultural identities.

A Strong Foundation in Counseling and Education

James’s journey into counseling began with a deep interest in psychology, which led him to earn a Bachelor’s degree from George Fox University. He then continued his education at Corban University, where he received his Master’s in Counseling. Throughout his studies, James gained extensive experience counseling college students, dealing with issues like anxiety, depression, relationship struggles, and the often overwhelming feeling of being lost in life. This foundation provided him with a wealth of knowledge and understanding, which he now brings into his practice at Life Discovery Counseling.

A Holistic Approach to Therapy

James’s therapeutic philosophy is rooted in a holistic approach that considers emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being. As a therapist, he believes in the importance of establishing a strong therapeutic relationship, which allows clients to feel safe and supported as they explore their thoughts and feelings. In sessions, James focuses on the client’s immediate concerns while also exploring past experiences to identify patterns that might be influencing their current situation. His approach is flexible, often incorporating strength-based techniques and psychoeducation to help clients gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their emotions.

Connecting with the Younger Generation

What sets James apart is his ability to connect with the younger generation, particularly those navigating the challenges of a bicultural identity. He understands the pressures and challenges that teens face today, from academic stress to social relationships, and he works to help them navigate these complexities. By fostering better communication between teens and their parents, especially in families where cultural backgrounds may differ, James helps build stronger, more supportive relationships.

James also brings a wealth of life experience to his practice. As the oldest of five children, he grew up in a family-oriented environment, which naturally shaped his passion for working with families. Outside of his counseling work, James wears many hats—teaching English to Japanese students, serving as a youth leader at his church, and being a friend who’s always ready to lend a listening ear.

Serving the Beaverton Community

James is based at our Beaverton, Oregon location, making him easily accessible to residents on the west side of the Portland Metro area, including Hillsboro, SW Portland, and northwest Tigard. If you or your family are struggling to connect, or if you’re a teen navigating the ups and downs of life, James is here to help.

Start Working With a Therapist in Hillsboro, OR, Beaverton, and Beyond!

At Life Discovery Counseling, we believe in the power of understanding and connection, and with James’s expertise, we’re committed to helping you build the relationships you deserve. Ready to take the first step toward healing and understanding? Follow these steps:

1. Schedule a session with James today and
2. Meet with James or another member of our therapy team
3. Start your journey toward a stronger family connection.

Other Services Offered with Life Discovery Counseling Services

Our team is happy to offer support for a variety of mental health concerns. In addition to things like family therapy, we are happy to also offer support from a number of locations. If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, Hillsboro, or Beaverton, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Other services offered include support for children in counseling, depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy, PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

The post Meet James Frahm: Bridging the Gap Between Teens and Parents first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

“Why are you being so emotional?”

“I can’t believe you’re just standing there, do you have a heart at all?”

“Whoa, you don’t have to get so angry!”

“Emotions just get in the way of everything.”

Let’s face it, we all understand emotions differently. For some, emotions are everything; for others, they are merely a bother. And often, two people on the opposite side of the emotional spectrum find each other and get married! “She is so dynamic and alive!” marries “He is the calm in my storm.” Or “His passion inspires me!” marries “She never gets ruffled.”

And then what happens? They subtly – or maybe not so subtly – start trying to change the very thing that attracted them to each other.

Sadly, many times their efforts work; they damage each other and then wonder what became of the wonderful person they married. Simply put, navigating emotional differences is a vital part of a thriving marriage. So how do we do that?

First, we need to understand emotions

At one level, emotions are mere neurological and chemical processes in our bodies, a part of our autonomic nervous and endocrine systems. Our brains constantly monitor our environments looking for actual or potential pleasures and dangers. We share these systems with many species in the animal kingdom.

But we humans are far more than mere physical bodies, we are living souls in a way that other animals are not. Emotions are designed into us to connect us with ourselves, with each other, and with our Creator. 

When we look at emotions through both physical and spiritual lenses, we can understand them in a “soul diagnostic” kind of way. Like the lights on the dashboard of a car letting us know something is going on in the engine, emotions let us know that something is going on in our body and soul. When we feel angry, we can know that we’re experiencing a sense of injustice. When we’re sad, we’re experiencing a sense of loss. When we’re happy, we’re experiencing a sense of congruency. And so on.

In other words, emotions let us know whether or not our deepest needs are being met. What needs? Core human desires for such things as support, affirmation, flexibility, companionship, and intimacy.

Next, we need to use emotions as the language of relationship

In relationships, couples often get caught up in repeated patterns of reacting to each other emotionally without realizing that they each are wanting their needs met. A “triggering event” of some kind exposes a core need and provokes an automatic emotional reaction in one or both partners. Couples often get stuck in emotional reactions rather than talking about the underlying needs.

The bad news: this happens with every couple!

The good news: understanding this process can help us change what we do when it happens.

Change starts by first slowing down the emotional reactivity process. One or both partners tune in to their own and then the other’s emotions. Often this means taking at least a few minutes for a “time out” to create space to feel, recognize, and name emotions and then consider what core needs might feel unmet or threatened.

Next, using a communication approach like the Gottman Rapaport, the couple takes the time to speak, listen, empathize, and validate each other and each other’s needs.

Lastly, the couple can do what loving partners do: seek to meet each other’s needs!

What this looks like in couples therapy or marriage counseling

For example, let’s take a life situation that can easily go haywire for couples:

• Partner #1 arrives home after a long day of work followed by picking up the kids (who are, of course, very cranky). About 10 minutes later, partner #2 arrives home also after a long day of work.
• Partner #1 (after changing into workout clothes): “You got dinner tonight, right?”
• Partner #2: “No, I’m meeting Jessie in 15 minutes, remember?”
• P#1: “No, that was supposed to be tomorrow. You know I always work out on Mondays.”
• P#2: “Usually, yes, but remember I told you about Jessie last week because that was the only evening we could meet.”

Can you feel the potential for tension even in this brief interaction? This couple could easily get into an argument over the details of the situation and ruin their entire evening.

Variations of this argument might happen over and over with destructive impact. A couple with a strong relationship will create a quick compromise to the immediate conflict. Later, they will value each other and the relationship by taking time to talk through the situation using the process described above. They will give each other time and attention to share their feelings of anger, impatience, or exhaustion. They will ask what needs the emotions reveal: such things as support, trust, friendship, and exercise. They would then work cooperatively to explore tangible ways to meet each other’s needs in the future.

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon. Your relationships can thrive again. We can help you get back on track in a way that aligns with your faith and values. When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

About Shane, the Author

Shane Fookes is a graduate of Western Seminary’s Counseling program and a Licensed Professional Counseling Intern. He was previously a pastor and is still involved in churches, and writes about marriage and relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and spiritual development.

The post Understanding and Working With Emotions: Christian Therapy Tips for Couples in Oregon first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

This is a common sentiment shared in a counselor’s office. Couples frequently seek therapy because they’ve been fighting about the same two or three things over and over again, and they can’t quite figure out how to get off the merry-go-round. They may be able to see the pattern, but they can’t seem to move towards resolving conflict.

“I hate that we’re always fighting. Neither of us wants it to be like this, but once we start arguing I feel so hopeless. Maybe we are two people who just can’t get along…”

One of the most crucial skills that successful couples develop is the ability to reconnect after a fight. Truly repairing disconnection requires more than just a ceasefire- you must be able to communicate understanding to your partner to start resolving conflict. When you can do this effectively, you will transform the argument from a battle you want to flee into a moment of deep connection. But what does this look like in practice?

Here are some steps on how to begin resolving conflict

Step 1: Identify what you were feeling…

Ask yourself what emotions you were feeling during the argument. Often couples will say “Well obviously I was feeling angry!”. Yet this is often a ‘secondary emotion’ or defensive response to protect us from feeling more painful things like fear, sadness, or rejection. If you’re struggling to identify your feelings, take a look at emotion word lists like this one here. Once you’ve identified your emotion(s), share it with your partner and ask what they were feeling.

Step 2: Explain and validate each person’s reality…

While it may be hard to believe, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ perspective on the subject of the argument. You each had emotions, beliefs, and history that colored how you experienced the situation. Take time to explain your feelings, fears, and needs during the interaction. Listen without judgment as your partner does the same, and show them that you understand why they may have felt that way.

Step 3: Share your triggers…

All the things you identified in the last two steps are often ‘triggers’ that cause us to act regrettably. Think back on your personal history about times when you may have felt the same feelings, fears or needs. Often those past experiences amplify our response in the present because we worry the situation is going to play out how it did before. Share this past experience with your partner, and listen actively as your partner shares theirs. This is an opportunity for you to learn about what emotional ‘sore spots’ you can be mindful of in the future.

Step 4: Accept responsibility for your part…

Believe it or not, it takes two to have an argument. Your partner may have truly hurt you, but there is always room for improvement in your own behavior. Think back on what you said or did during the argument to find something you would like to do differently. This is your chance to offer your partner an olive branch.

Step 5: Plan for the future…

Now you need to set yourself up for success. What opportunities do you have to compromise or better meet your partner’s needs? Are there behaviors you need to avoid next time? How can you more gently express a complaint or need to each other? How can we start resolving conflict?

Conclusion

Every marriage will experience conflict, but it’s how the couple reconnects afterward that will keep their relationship strong.  Practice using these five steps to transform a regrettable incident into an opportunity for a deeper understanding of your partner. 

If you’d like to learn more about this blog post and how to use the ‘Aftermath of a Fight’ skill, reach out to the author Sara Graves, Licensed Professional Counselor, at 971-808-2686 x702 or Sara@LifeDCS.com.

For more information on The Aftermath of a Fight and John Gottman, visit the following article, https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight/, or read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver. 

**Advice given in this blog post does not constitute a therapeutic relationship or intervention.**

CONSIDER ONLINE THERAPY IN OREGON FOR CHRISTIAN COUNSELING

Our Clackamas and Hillsboro-based counselors are excited to work with you, wherever you are in Oregon.

When you are ready to start online Christian counseling in Oregon, follow these simple steps:

1. Learn about our therapy team in Hillsboro and our caring counselors in Clackamas
2. Schedule an appointment with your preferred therapist, or contact us with questions
3. Feel more connected to the important people in your life

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT LIFE DISCOVERY COUNSELING IN OREGON

If you are in Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, or Hillsboro, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we see adults, but children in counseling too. We also work with depression treatment, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, relationship issues, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need via online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

The post Resolving Conflict: The Aftermath of a Fight first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

Signs of secure attachment are able to emotionally connect in relationships and deal with adversity and difficult times without retreating or becoming emotionally overbearing.

Even if you do not have a secure attachment style right now, you can still develop one! It takes being able to look at your life, process, and make sense of the events in your life to heal and learn new ways to interact with those around you. With hard work, commitment, and support, you can heal from your attachment wounds and develop healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy attachment styles with your own children.

How do you create a healthy attachment with your children?

First, look at the picture of the “Circle of Security” found in the first blog in this series. Attachment with your child begins before they are even born. Studies have shown that touching your stomach and just the sound of your voice while pregnant begins to develop a healthy attachment between mom and baby. Between 7 to 8 months in utero, a baby’s heart rate will actually slow when it hears its mother’s voice!

Once children are born, you become their safe base, where they can return on a reliable basis when needing comfort, support, or someone to help make sense of their experiences in life. You not only keep your children safe, you also help them organize their feelings and make sense of the world around them. Parents who are not consistently available or who do not share in that emotional connection with their children, leave the child confused and in a sense of chaos as they cannot understand the world around them without their parent’s support.

What does this practically look like?

Imagine your child is on the playground. You sit on a bench on the edge of the playground watching them play. They are happy and smiling while running around until another child throws bark chips in the air and some of them hit your child.  Your child becomes upset and looks around to see where you are. They run over to you and start crying, confused as to why they were just hit with bark chips. How would this scenario differ if your child could not find you, or if you were busy looking at your phone rather than looking at them while they were crying? What if you got up and started yelling at the parent of the child who threw bark chips at your child?

All of these scenarios lead to disconnect with your child, because you are not attuning to their needs, rather you are reacting to the situation. What your child needs is to be able to find you, feel safe, and ask the question in their own way of “Why is this happening?”, “what did I do wrong?”. You get to make sense of the situation for them. By listening, comforting, acknowledging their feelings, and helping them problem-solve, you are making sense of their experience.  This needs to be done in an age-appropriate way, so your responses will vary depending on if your child is 2 years old or 8 years old.

Start Working With a Christian Counselor in Hillsboro, OR

Healthy attachment is important in relationships, friendships, and in parenting. To further explore how to develop a healthy attachment with your children and for yourself, get in touch with our team of caring therapists. We would be happy to offer support from our Hillsboro, OR-based practice and across the state. Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:

1. Contact us by calling 971-808-2686 ext. 700 or email megan@lifedcs.com.
2. Meet with a caring therapist.
3. Start cultivating stronger, healthier relationships!

Other Services Offered at Life Discovery Counseling in Oregon

If you are in Portland, Clackamas, Happy Valley, Damascus, Hillsboro, or Beaverton, we can help you in person at one of our comfortable therapy clinics. Christian counseling is the cornerstone of our approach to therapy. Not only do we offer support for parents. We see both adults and children in counseling. Our team offers anxiety therapy, trauma therapy and PTSD treatment, depression counseling, relationship issues counseling, marriage problems, and postpartum counseling. No matter where you are in the state, we can provide the support you need with online therapy in Oregon. Once you’re ready to start, we’re ready to meet you. Let’s connect!

The post Secure Attachment: Parenting Strategies first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

Did you have a parent who became enraged when you sang “too loudly”, or were you hit after requesting a hug? Children who develop what Bowlby called a disorganized attachment, often grow up in a home where you are unsure how your parent is going to respond to your requests. This parental behavior is disorienting and alarming for children. According to Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell in Parenting from the Inside Out, parents who exhibit such behavior, often have their own unresolved trauma or grief that presents as chaos from their own chaotic experiences growing up.  Many parents who express these behaviors have drug or alcohol abuse issues, which contributes to chaotic and frightening reactions.

If you grew up in a home such as this, you may experience a sense of being unreal or detached from what is happening around you or you may feel internally fragmented.  This dissociation can lead you to feel disconnected from yourself. You may feel yourself becoming frozen or your emotional response feeling more intense during interpersonal relationships.  Maintaining relationships can be difficult when you feel such heightened responses in a relationship, potentially causing you to run away from the relationship or putting up an emotional wall to protect yourself. You probably have your own trauma that needs to be processed if you grew up in a chaotic household. Counseling can be a very helpful in learning strategies to working through these experiences, looking at how they impact you currently and beginning to heal from those wounds to grow into the partner and parent you want to be.

Not only does this attachment style greatly impact how you experience life, it impacts your relationships and how you raise your children.  If you experience emotional disconnect from yourself, your spouse and children experience that disconnect as well. In order to create a healthy attachment with your children, it is important for you to work through trauma and learn how to have healthy attachment with those around you. There is hope for healing from past trauma and healthy relationships in your life.  This will require work and dedication, but you can experience healthy relationships, raise healthy children, and experience a sense of connection within yourself.

To learn more about how to develop healthy attachment and heal from past trauma or pain from your family of origin, call 971-808-2686 ext. 700 or email megan@lifedcs.com.

The post Disorganized Attachment Style first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.

by Megan Coggins

You were given every opportunity to succeed; you had a roof over your head, food on the table, and two parents at home who loved you. Your family valued independence, which was a benefit to you because you were able to create a successful career for yourself, buy a nice house and car, and are very confident in your ability to care for yourself. The problem is that relationships have always been a struggle for you. Maybe you have had long-term relationships before, but they never seem to work out. This could be due to having what Bowlby called an avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant attachment styles are developed when parents are emotionally unavailable or have a dismissive stance towards the child’s emotional needs. This type of household might look like a loving and involved household from the outside, but parents were not attentive to the child’s emotional needs. This family may be involved in many activities outside the home, taught right from wrong, and given direction for how to be successful in life, but parents were lacking in their ability to pick up on signals from the child. Maybe you grew up in a household where your parents provided every opportunity for you to be successful, participating in multiple sports camps, academic opportunities and paid for you to attend college. They were very interested in helping you succeed, but were absent in your day-to-day experiences and your own personal interests and emotions.

In adulthood, avoidant attachment traits can present as difficulty or minimizing of emotions in relationships. You may appear emotionally distant in relationships, as you are more prone to overly rely on logic. When conflict occurs, you may retreat, as emotions are an unchartered and uncomfortable place to be in. You are most likely an independent person who can easily take care of yourself so when problem solving or conflict arises; you take yourself out of the situation. The difficulty is that your partner or spouse is completely left out in this process, as you single-handedly took care of the situation. This missed opportunity for emotional connection can wear on a relationship, as the emotional bond is not strengthened, rather you each operate independently.

There is nothing wrong with being able to solve your own problems, but in a relationship, conflict oftentimes requires teamwork and open communication. When this does not happen, it can lead to disconnect in the relationship, as neither person feels aligned with their spouse.

Attachment styles greatly impact our relationships and how we raise and connect with our children. If you would like to learn more about healing from an avoidant attachment style and how to create healthy bonds with people in your life, call 971-808-2686 ext. 700 or email megan@lifedcs.com.

The post Avoidant Attachment Style first appeared on Life Discovery Counseling Services.